God often gives a vision of things before they actually come to be. That’s been my experience anyway. The vision isn’t necessarily focused or clear. It doesn’t come with steps or money or sure-things.
But it does come with hope, and that’s what keeps you going in the fog.
For months I’ve been looking forward to writing this post. Back in March I shared it in e-letter form with my newsletter subscribers and now it’s time to share it here on the blog – what happened when John left his job as a youth pastor.
Almost two years ago, (in a post I wrote here called Why My Husband is Quitting His Job), I quoted these words from Ann Patchett:
When I first shared this quote, John and I were living in our own what now? kind of moment, preparing to leave his position at our church of six years (after a total of twelve years in youth ministry) to . . . well, that’s just it.
We didn’t exactly know.
But we did see arrows, faint as they may have been. So we followed them and here is where they have led so far.
The Arrow of Grief
After John’s Dad passed away during the summer of 2011, we knew things would never be the same for a lot of reasons, the main one being that John was broken open by grief.
After the funeral, John went back to work, back to routine, back to his regularly scheduled life. But his soul lingered with the grief. It wasn’t long before the disconnect between the pace of his life and the state of his soul began to show itself in the form of panic, sleepless nights, and intense fear.
That was Fall 2011.
He was unable to keep pace with the demands of his highly relational job as a youth pastor so the church gifted him a three month leave to catch his breath and to simply be human.
During those three months, he didn’t check his email, meet with students, co-workers, or parents. He completely disconnected from the demands of work. This, I know, is a rare gift. We are ever grateful to our former church for allowing him this time.
I promise this post will not be a recap of the last four years of our lives. I go back that far only to communicate that this transition has been slow, deep, and far-reaching. And it has been about more than simply quitting a job.
The Arrow of Desire
Long before his Dad got sick, John and I had many talks about the future.
After years in youth ministry, we began to notice the parts of the job that brought him life (relationships, small group discipleship, connecting with students on a soul level, teaching deeper life in Christ concepts) and the parts that wore him out (traveling, games, programs, hype).
I would try to initiate dream talk, you know the kind: If you could do anything regardless of income or location, what would it be?
While I was able to chatter away about moving to a big city or writing books together or traveling the country for a year with the kids, John was always more hesitant.
Even in hypothetical conversation, he was unable to take pretend risk. His mind simply wouldn’t allow his heart to dream.
Logic and limits often get in the way of longing.
It’s important to be able to answer the question: What do you really want?
It can be scary, but it was only when John and I began to honestly explore the answer to that question in the presence of God that we started to get a hopeful vision for his vocation. But it didn’t come the way we thought it would.
The Arrow to Each Other
During those few months away from work, John traveled to Colorado Springs to participate in a week-long course in spiritual direction taught by author and psychologist Dr. Larry Crabb.
We both thought his time there might bring some kind of vocational clarity.
What actually happened surprised us both. God met John during that short time away, his Spirit traveled into the deepest parts of John’s soul and poked around, turned some things over, and woke some things up.
This awakening didn’t come like a glorious sunrise or a blooming flower. Instead, it arrived more like a summer storm: dark clouds, thick air, rolling thunder.
But here is where we learned that desire often lives next door to grief inside the soul. Access the grief, you wake up the longing as well.
As a result, John came home more alive as a husband and friend than I had ever seen him before. There was still a long road of healing ahead, but now he had a focus – he wanted to be fully available as a husband and father in ways he had been previously closed off.
Looking back, I remember hearing myself telling people in the months following his return that it wasn’t so much that John had changed, more that he became more fully himself.
We thought we needed clarity, a good next step, a vision for whether or not John should stay in his current job as a youth pastor or move on to something else. Instead, all God offered was an arrow pointing from John to me and from me to John.
We wanted to know the way and instead, he showed us each other.
For the first time in our marriage, we began to cultivate a respectful curiosity for our mutual desire as a couple. And the only thing we knew for sure is we were to move toward one another. And that was it.
The Arrow to Nowhere
After many months of conversation, prayer, and counsel from trusted mentors, we finally knew it was time to move on from youth ministry even though we didn’t know what was next.
The first six months after he left his job were dedicated to rest, recovery, and home. It was during those six months that my book A Million Little Ways released so the timing was nice. He maintained our home rhythms while I worked, traveled some for the book, and began preliminary work on my next book.
We started to attend a small church, quietly getting to know a new community, re-adjusting to our new rhythm, re-learning how to sit together on Sunday morning (!!) as well as how to relate in a church where he wasn’t a pastor.
Those six months turned into nearly a year before we actually had any clear indication of what the second half of John’s career and ministry would look like. We walked through some hard days, some hopeless what-are-we-even-doing kind of days where it seemed like the arrows led nowhere.
But we kept coming back to the promise of God, knowing he wouldn’t leave us alone.
We also often revisited what we knew for sure, that John’s desire was to somehow serve our local community, to enter intentionally into relationships, to do small group discipleship, to connect with people on a soul level, and to teach about how the Gospel intersects with our daily life.
The Arrow to Community
After a time of listening, waiting, and resting, we decided to gather a small group of people together who we called our “Co-Listeners.”
We invited them into our living room, fed them dessert and coffee, and were grateful as they listened to John’s desire and our fears and then helped to discern what might be next.
It was during that meeting that long-time friend and mentor, Mike Moses, spoke up.
“John, you know I’ve had a non-profit ministry for a long time here in Greensboro.”
In fact we did know. Mike’s ministry had a huge impact on John’s life and the life of our extended family many years ago. He’s been a fixed point in our Greensboro community for years, a trusted voice that always points to Jesus.
“And you know I’ve retired . . . “
Yes we knew this too.
“I haven’t used the non-profit for several years now. It has no money, no place, and no director. It’s basically vacant. But I’ve kept the name active with the IRS because Carol and I have been praying, asking God to bring someone along who might take it over.”
This we didn’t know.
This was interesting.
And though it would be many months before all the legal and administrative details were taken care of, I knew in my spirit that very night as I sipped my coffee and ate my cake that this might be the next step in the journey.
And in fact, it was.
John is now the director of Grace Discipleship, a 501c3 non-profit ministry here in Greensboro that exists to connect weary souls with the Gospel of grace.
What does that look like?
You can find out more about his ministry here.
I know I could have simply given you a link to John’s ministry website and sent you straight over, but I wanted to give you this background stuff for a few reasons.
First, many of you have prayed, sent emails and notes asking about John’s transition. This was so meaningful to us.
Second, I know a lot of you are in the midst of your own transitions, looking for arrows in your own life. I wanted to share what it has looked like for us to believe God often gives a vision of things before they actually come to be.
We still have lots of questions, new kinds of fears and hesitations. But we’re thankful his work now has a name, a shape, and even an office space!
Sometimes it looks like you’re going nowhere, or that you’re headed in the wrong direction. But maybe none of that is the point.
I’m convinced God is less interested in where we end up as he is in who we are becoming.
Whether we’re employed or unemployed, encouraged or discouraged, filled with vision or fumbling in the fog, more than anything, our Father just wants to be with us.
He loves us, wants to walk with us, and as we follow the arrows, they’ll always lead us close to his heart.
If you’re in a What now? kind of place these days, maybe it will help to remember Ann Patchett’s words, that “what now? can also be our joy.”
May it be so for all of us.
Learn more about John’s new ministry Grace Discipleship here or learn a little more about who John is here. He’s pretty much my favorite. You can sign up at his website to receive monthly updates directly from John.
If you would like to read more personal stories from me like this one, I tend to share those in my monthly newsletter – you can sign up here to get those each month in your inbox, as well as first-word news, my current reading list, and more encouragement to help your soul breathe.
Nancy says
April 29, 2015 at 11:09 AMLOVE this! So happy for John. And happy birthday to you.
Emily says
April 29, 2015 at 11:12 AMThank you, thank you Nancy. Means so much!
Donna Osborne says
April 29, 2015 at 11:31 AMThank you! I am at crossroads of my life, my job and my home. I am at the place where I want to “downsize” my home. At the age of 52 and never married, it has been a passion of mine to be a photographer; however, I am literally “stuck” at my full time job. I keep thinking it is all in God’s hands with perfect timing so I am putting my fears and future into trusting Him more and more daily. I love “What now” which have been in my mind lately. Thank you for sharing insights that it can be JOY today! In addition, I am also putting more emphasis on having relationship with Jesus seeing his creation all around me using my photographer’s eyes. God’s Blessings
Emily says
April 29, 2015 at 2:35 PMYou’re welcome Donna. I hope the arrows in your life reveal themselves to you sooner rather than later. May you have peace in the waiting.
Nancy says
April 29, 2015 at 11:34 AMAnother Nancy chiming in! Love this: “God is less interested in where we end up as he is in who we are becoming.” Maybe we need to quit looking for the “You Have Arrived” sign and paying more attention to the arrow signs at the curves in the road. I love watching people’s stories unfold. Thanks for sharing yours. And congrats to your hubby!
Emily says
April 29, 2015 at 2:35 PMThanks Nancy! Appreciate your thoughts here.
Megg says
April 29, 2015 at 11:43 AMWOW! How God weaves words from so many together in my life never ceases to amaze me. I too have worked in youth ministry (unpaid) for 7 years at my current church and over 15 before moving to NC. The group of girls I mentor graduate high school this year and I’m struggling about the “What Now.” And if the fear of “What Now” is holding me back about saying bye to that stage of my life. Just thinking about make me tear up. All this to say thank you for sharing your life. So encouraging to have conformation that I’m not the only one out there asking questions .
Continued Blessings,
Megg
Emily says
April 29, 2015 at 12:00 PMOh how I needed to hear this today! Thank you for allowing the Lord to speak through you – this post gave me such comfort in the depths of my soul. It’s hard to imagine that at 25 I would be in a job where I’m burnt out and feel like I have no prospects, but this reminded me that that is not the point. Remembering that “more than anything, our Father just wants to be with us” is so powerful right now. As always, thanks for sharing!
Meema says
April 29, 2015 at 12:17 PM(Isaiah 40:31) but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint.
The hardest part is always the waiting. God bless you and John abundantly in this next part as the story unfolds. So many will reap encouragement from this sharing.
Happy Birthday, too! 🙂
k says
April 29, 2015 at 12:32 PMthank you.
Kathleen Jaeger says
April 29, 2015 at 12:41 PMThank you for describing your journey in such detail. It resonates with my soul and our journey on so many levels. Such as this sentence: “I go back that far only to communicate that this transition has been slow, deep, and far-reaching” speaks to me about the work God has been doing in my own life and how I have been going back in my life to milestone moments over the course of the last several years because it has all been a part of the work in our lives. Thank you for describing this because it has been foggy and not as clear as I would like, certainly hard for me to articulate to anyone that this process is of His Hand. Your words are so encouraging to me today. Thank you!
Kaylie Hodges says
April 29, 2015 at 12:42 PMI feel like those first few paragraphs are telling our story.
We are right in the middle of the brokenness, and just last week we started attending a small local church and sitting together (!!!)
Hearing your story unfold gives me immeasurable comfort for our future. Thank you for sharing!
Marian Vischer says
April 29, 2015 at 1:14 PMSo I already knew this story and still, I read it again and got all misty-eyed and forwarded it to my husband.
Also, happy birthday! A little birdie known as Facebook told me. : )
Michele Morin says
April 29, 2015 at 1:23 PMThese are the kinds of stories that we look back on in our lives in order to rehearse the faithfulness of God, so that our next “What Now?” experience will be built on this bedrock. Praising God with you today.
Su says
April 29, 2015 at 1:36 PMTears. God is good. All the time. A girlfriend forwarded me your post. Our family moves out of our current home in 38 days. To where? We do not know. We feel like we “see the vision”. . and are trying hard to follow “the faint arrows.” So this post so encouraged me. Just shared it on my FB page:
https://www.facebook.com/theintentionalhome
Thanks for sharing the whole story. So excited what God is going to do thru your hubby and Grace Discipleship. It is gonna be a beautiful adventure.
Marcy says
April 29, 2015 at 2:13 PMAnd I just piped in last week with my Ann Parchett love forgetting about one of my favorites!?I’m in a huge What Now season with powdered dreams disappearing in soft breezes and straight-lines threatening to knock me right over. Thanks for painting out dreams here, they give me hope.
Debbie Willsey says
April 29, 2015 at 2:21 PMEmily, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am going to have my husband read it! We are in that “what next” place. We sold our 2 story house close to 2 years ago, never even entertaining the thought that we would still be renting! (I wrote about it on my blog 2/11 🙂 My husband is a construction superintendent, and though he has always loved what he does (and is one of the best at it! :), he simply doesn’t enjoy it anymore. Long story short, we want him to semi-retire in 5 yrs. But can he without having a home paid for? How will we afford to keep a roof over our heads? I hate seeing him so exhausted and stressed ( I’m unable to work due to health issues). So what next? We’ve had those dreams and goals discussions and have some ideas of what we’d like to see happen…but is it what GOD wants to happen?! We never seem to get any clarity. House, job, here, there, where??? I think maybe, we just need to start looking for those arrows, and not worry about the whole enchilada! I’ve tried and prayed to bloom where we are planted, but keep feeling “unsettled”. Arrows…we’ll start looking. 🙂
Thank you and God Bless you! And Happy Birthday! 😉
Jenn Buell says
April 29, 2015 at 2:39 PMOh, Emily. You spoke to my heart today as I sit in a “what now” place in life. Your book “A Million Little Ways” has been an arrow confirming the other arrows God has been using to direct me down a path that seems impossible. I’m a widow with four kids who feels called to write and speak. But how?! But God…. Thank you for sharing this journey and being another arrow God is placing in my path. Oh that I would be filled with the anticipation “What now?” can be filled with.
Nicholle Franke says
April 29, 2015 at 2:48 PMEmily I’m so happy for you and John. What a blessing for you to share what’s next with us! But I’m also excited to hear John is still invested in harvesting for the Lord. I just wrote a piece on this space between also. It’s wonderfully hard!
Bethann says
April 29, 2015 at 3:21 PMThanks so much for sharing this post and so happy to hear how happy your husband is now…on the other side! Love the imagery of the arrows; especially, the arrow to each other. I’m too at a transition and looking for those arrows. I too agree with you and believe that God gives us a vision of things before they actually come to be.
Renee Harvey says
April 29, 2015 at 3:53 PMMy heart is overflowing for you both. I’m trying my best not to cry at work. John had such an impact on my life, I don’t know that we ever really talked one on one, but God used him in my life through those Sunday night lessons. To hear that he’s found something that (hopefully) gives him joy, and your marriage joy makes me so happy. I love you guys and wish you all the best!
Frances says
April 29, 2015 at 4:57 PMThis is so cool. And I’m loving the theme of “grace” in both of your work!
amber@gracetobe says
April 29, 2015 at 5:30 PMthank you for not just sending us to the site but laying out the journey that led there~ it’s so relatable. so real and normal and we’ve all been there. are always there in a sense. as my girlfriend, deb, says, we should never stop asking, “so what? now what?” :))
love the end part, about God being more interested in who we are becoming than where we end up. good word! and to my senior who’s feeling a little stressed about the next step and college and, “mom!! everyone in the entire world knows what they’re doing next but me!!!” i’m gonna share those words with her. ~
happy wednesday, emily. so grateful for your ministry here to our hearts. our homes.
Bonita says
April 29, 2015 at 6:22 PMBeautiful life story! I’m so happy that the Lord has given John a place to land. I couldn’t help but notice that the ministry is on Friendly Avenue- sounds like a good place to connect with people!
melony says
April 29, 2015 at 6:52 PMi was writing on grief today and contrasting our stateside ‘moment’s of silence’ with other places who declare national days for mourning. i so appreciate your giving value and importance John’s “three month leave to catch his breath and to simply be human.”
so refreshing and inspiring to do the same for myself and those nearby.
Amanda Cleary Eastep says
April 29, 2015 at 7:46 PMWow, I just sent this to my friend. I have been telling her that maybe both of us need to step into the river even though we aren’t sure what comes next. I suppose some of us reading this would say, Sure, everything worked out for them, but God doesn’t move in my life like that. But it’s a great exercise to look back and identify the arrows that may not have seemed like arrows at the time. They also point to God’s faithfulness. SO appreciate your sharing this story, and I pray you have another amazing story to tell another year from now.
Kamille Scellick says
April 29, 2015 at 8:23 PMEmily this made me teary. Seeing one’s whole person developing into who they fully were meant to become. I didn’t know John lost his father. Grief being the wild beast it is stirs up so much like when we till soil awakening dormant weeds, which would have never been woken up. I’m so glad he is doing what he is meant to do, and all those things of youth ministry (games–eh) no more.
Happy birthday to you from Bellingham. I’ll be sure toast you with my egg only dinner (no bacon and burger thrown in).
Children of Eve says
April 29, 2015 at 8:25 PMI am a believer in the idea that God cares more who we are than where we are going. I always try to remember this in regard to my children’s lives. I care so much about what kind of people they will be, I don’t care about vocation or location.
“it wasn’t so much that John had changed, more that he became more fully himself. ” I Love this!
Lyli @3dlessons4life.com says
April 29, 2015 at 9:07 PMHow exciting! My husband is in recovery mode after an extended season of caregiving and grieving. This really encouraged me to just pray and wait for what’s next and not rush it. Thank you, Emily. 🙂
Jennifer Frisbie says
April 29, 2015 at 9:46 PMThank you for this, Emily. I have quietly followed your story for awhile and was excited to see this come full circle. Three weeks ago I left a 16 year career because I felt God calling me away. I stayed put for a long time looking for the next door until I realized that He wanted me to trust Him by walking through the closing one and being content with not knowing what’s next. I have great peace…but I, too, am looking for arrows. I know in time He will show me. Prayers for you and your family as you begin this new and exciting journey!
Lisa @LisaAppelo.com says
April 29, 2015 at 9:51 PMI love the quotes from Ann Patchett! And I so appreciated you sequencing all the details of God’s faithful direction as you and John stepped out in faith. My husband died unexpectedly a few years ago (summer 2011 als0 actually) and I have walked through grief with my 7 children. I never asked God why but I have many times asked What Now? Many blessings to you all in this next chapter.
Mimi says
April 29, 2015 at 10:52 PMWhat an awesome ministry and story! Thanks for sharing and serving . I loved this insight, “I’m convinced God is less interested in where we end up as he is in who we are becoming.”
Blessings!
Kathy Schwanke says
April 29, 2015 at 11:02 PMWhat a beautiful story. God is so amazing and I let out a sigh at the part where He brought you out into a spacious place. Thankful the narrow days are sweetened with His presence when we look back, but often such a hard road of endurance-building, white-knuckling faith.
May God continue to bless your family.
🙂
Colleen says
April 30, 2015 at 3:03 AMlongtime reader, first time commenter 🙂 thank you so much for sharing this. at times it feels like God’s leading me straight into a fogbank, and posts like this help me to remember that it isn’t my job to see the way. he knows it and he’s in control. God bless you guys!
Karen says
April 30, 2015 at 8:52 AMThanks so much for sharing. My Dad passed away this past November. I love what you said about the grief….
“But here is where we learned that desire often lives next door to grief inside the soul. Access the grief, you wake up the longing as well.”
This is exactly what I am seeing and it brings me comfort knowing that all of the feelings that I have are part of that process of grief. There has been a renewed “I want life and life more abundantly” rising in my heart. Thanks again for sharing! The Lord is good!
Victoria says
April 30, 2015 at 12:02 PMEmily,
Thank you for this – it was so much of what I needed to hear and remember right now. We are in that transition place and trying to figure out what God has for us after 6 years of pastoring a church plant. It’s a scary and uncertain time, and yet we continue to lean in hard and trust that God has this too and that He will direct us through. I’ll have to save this post so I can go back and read it again and again.
Dolly@Soulstops says
April 30, 2015 at 12:35 PMEmily,
I loved reading this in your e-mail newsletter and I loved reading it again as I needed the reminder…Thank you for sharing the deep work God did in John and you as you both waited and listened for God’s direction and leading 🙂
Brittany Bergman says
April 30, 2015 at 4:23 PMBeautiful and honest words, as always. Congratulations to your husband, and well done to both of your for soaking up every moment and lesson in an unknown season.
Leighann says
April 30, 2015 at 9:57 PMEmily, thank you so much for sharing this story with us. I have had a crazy year, full of shock and grief, and so, so, so much learning through what God has shown me about myself and my unconscious fears and thinking through it all. I literally had tears streaming down my face as I neared the end of your post because I have asked myself “What now?” for the past 8 months (in different words, but in the same vein) and have struggled with lack of clarity. I LOVE your perspective on “What now?” Thank you for speaking truth into us today… for speaking truth into ME!
Marty says
May 1, 2015 at 9:53 AMI LOVE this post! So timely in our lives right now, as our last little leaves our nest for college in the Fall…and we have started asking ourselves, “what now?” Thank you for the reminder to look for those little arrows. We don’t want to take even one step before God leads. Our hearts are quickened a little when we think of the possibilities of “what now,” so I “get” what Anne Patchett means when she says it can also be our joy. And this: “God often gives a vision of things before they actually come to be.” We are maybe-kinda seeing this now. Thankful for your encouraging words today! 🙂
Damaris Arteaga says
June 2, 2015 at 12:31 AMI love how your arrows pointed at each other first and foremost only for it to be revealed that his vocation would also be creating rest for souls, much like yourself. Beautiful, the way we are pulled and tied together with our Earthly love for the glory of God.
My husband and I are experiencing something similar as we venture into creating music. A calling I never would have dreamed of in a million years. And yet he calls me worthy. So humbled by the grace of God. It’s beginning much like you said, with a drawing closer to each other through Jesus.
Just wanted to say that I adore the new layout and everything you’ve written recently has resonated so deeply within me as I leave this fog…