She wanted the pencils, I could tell she did. Her daddy was sitting in the too-small chair in the children’s section of the bookstore and she was vacillating between a small, brightly colored and obviously educational activity book…or the set of pink princess pencils. She held them both, one in each hand and she quietly asked her daddy which one he thinks she should choose. He repeatedly told her it was her decision to make, she could choose either one. No sooner had the words come out of his mouth, than he was giving her a list of pros and cons about each potential choice: the pencils are pretty, but the activity book might last longer; the pencils have to be sharpened and then they get smaller and smaller, but the activity book has pages and pages of endless fun. “But the choice is yours to make,” he was sure to add.
I smiled to myself as I noticed the fathers’ inability to remain uninvolved in her decision. It was obvious to me which she would choose after his comments…what 5 year old would choose the pretty pencils after daddy clearly explained how impractical they were? I missed what happened next as my own daughter came up to me with several copies of the same board book and I realized she was rearranging the entire Sandra Boynton collection. I was somewhat glad for the distraction as it helped me maintain my cover.
When I looked up again at the daddy/daughter duo, I realized they were standing up to leave and she seemed very satisfied with herself. As they passed by me, I noticed in her hand she held the pretty princess pencils and in that moment, a strange realization came over me. I never would have chosen the pencils no matter how badly I had wanted them. And it made me think of all the other things that I do to please people or in attempts to make the “right” decision. Not only did the little girl make her own decision despite the implied frivolousness of that choice by her father, but her dad actually let her make that choice and seemed glad that she did so. And he was happy to buy the pencils for her.
I want to be more like that. Not making foolish decisions in haste or greed, but in those things where the outcome is neutral but the process is the point, I want to give myself permission to make the choice that is fun and exciting. I think as a kid I was always so worried about making the “wrong” choice in things that I had a hard time just being a kid. Sometimes you just have to choose the pencils. I think it is a liberating experience.
Meredith Uber says
February 14, 2006 at 2:28 PMOooh I totally agree~ Everything I chose has to make logical sense to me and yet sometimes I bet it would be fun to make an impractical decision for once and not look back.
Marshall says
February 15, 2006 at 12:17 AMEmily – that illustration will PREACH. I got to the end and went, “Dang!” Thanks for the honesty; I would have chosen the book, too (well, I doubt the princess pencils would have even been in the hunt, but maybe some Tar Heel pencils). Great post and great writing.
Kimberly says
January 19, 2009 at 7:26 PMI was reading back through some of your older posts and found this one. Are we the same person? Because it seems like maybe we are. I have three kids, I like to write, I have a blog. And I love Jesus too. But, no I’m in NJ, so we are not the same person. I decided when I turned 33 that I was done with the safe choices, and living inside the box, and always feeling like I needed a rational reason for every single thing. There have been some bumps along the way, and some really stupid decisions, but the freedom! I only wish I had learned this lesson 15 years ago. I hope God blesses you as you try to live life more fully alive.
Janel says
July 22, 2012 at 6:55 PMI have decided to go back and read through some of your older posts since your newer posts have resonated so much of what is in my own heart’s experience.
Wow…i loved this.
i found myself rooting for the girl to buy the pencils but expecting she wouldn’t…because of similar reasons to what you share, mostly in my own life a desire to make people happy. it was beautiful to see this little girl have confidence that her dad meant what he said and she could choose an then to see him follow through was even more heart rending.
so wish that I could believe in choices that I have to make, that God has given me knowledge and his guidance in making choices and to actually MAKE choices without fear and with the peace of mind to know that things will take place, therewill be consequences good or bad, but sitting on the fence or in stagnation is never where we’ve been called to be. and the fear of others, of perhaps losing something we think is in peril of being lost, is something that needs to be worked through.
I have always feared true and utter rejection..i have no cause to think that anyone, especially my family would ever do that, but it seems to be the one means of keeping me tied to the ‘reasonable’ and rational choice, instead of the one that makes my heart dance.
Emily says
July 23, 2012 at 6:57 AMHi Janel – Obviously I can relate with your struggle. Even though this was only the second post I ever wrote, I ended up putting it in my book b/c it fit so well with the topic. From your comment here, if you haven’t read it yet, I think the book might resonate with you as well.
Thanks for digging back through past posts – I have been tempted to delete some of the old ones, but they are all part of my story so I left them in. 😉