Listening is not for wimps.
I ignore it on the days when I am afraid of what I will hear. Let’s stay active. Frazzled is better than fearful. At least that’s what I tell myself.
But I’m doing this blasted 31 days to hush. There is a responsibility to practice listening differently. I don’t have the luxury of ignoring the silence this month. I enter in.
I hear fear. I don’t wear it well.
I hear shaky hands preparing a talk for girls and women at my own church this weekend. Shouldn’t I be over the anxiety by now? It isn’t stage fright like you might think. It is something else that I can’t fully put into words. I think about it for a beat or two and realize I feel okay with not fully understanding.
Thankfulness hides in there somewhere, too, whispering thoughts of gratitude for the opportunity. But today, this odd fear holds the microphone and won’t let go.
I spoke at my home church once before and came home sealed off, folded inward. I don’t want to do it that way again.
There is a sense that I’m being asked by God to give up my right to have it be different this time. You might feel out of control. Are you willing?
This is a needy place. I didn’t know it at the time, but four years ago this whole writing books and speaking in front of people thing started. It wasn’t really the plan. Not my plan, anyway.
Now, four years later, I can’t say that any more. This is so the plan. This is the story I’m writing. I want this. I come alive in this.
I’m learning hard lessons, mainly the one about believing that the fear would go away once I figure out what I’m doing.
Surprise! The fear doesn’t go away and I still don’t know what I’m doing.
But there is great hope, an underlying sense of purpose, a rightness about all this. There is a deeper knowing that I am not alone.
I’m not happy with this post, but I’m publishing anyway.
The quiet isn’t as quiet as I thought it would be.
This is the third post in a series, 31 Days to Hush. Click here to see a list of all the posts, updated daily. If you would like to receive these quiet thoughts in your email inbox, subscribe now.
Sonika says
October 3, 2012 at 2:54 AMSo true, Emily – it’s crazy-easy to be overwhelmed by the loudness in silence. It’s like once you’re finally brave enough to push away the external noise, you finally hear how busy the internal noise is. Ironic…but I’m encouraged that you’ve found we’re not alone in that silence. Good for you, that you’re taking it by the horns and discovering the joy in it. I hope the talk goes well – what’s it about?
Emily says
October 3, 2012 at 6:56 AMIt’s really to celebrate the release of Graceful, my book for high school girls. I’m looking forward to it, believe it or not. But I’m also slightly overwhelmed by the idea of it. As you now know 😉
Sonika says
October 3, 2012 at 4:55 PMHaha…indeed. Courage, friend – don’t forget that celebrations are meant to be enjoyed!
Amy Hunt says
October 3, 2012 at 5:20 AMNot knowing it all…not being entirely comfortable with it all (even the writing)…but stepping forth anyway…that’s what He wants of us. That’s worship. That’s living by faith that He’ll fill in the gaps.
Amen and Amen!
sarah says
October 3, 2012 at 7:21 AMI enjoyed this. It resonates with many of my feelings about returning back to medicine. My first clinic was last month and I thought that after the first one, the fear would go away. I’d remember what it’s like again, the fast in-and-out of a line of patients and my need to make decisions carefully, accurately, yet rapidly, so as to leave no one left behind. No idea what will walk in the door of my mobile clinic each time; it can be terrifying. I talked to some of my other doctor friends. “How long do you think before the fear will fade, when I’ll be comfortable in my my white coat again. I’ve been away a while, after all.” They each look at me and each reply in their own way, regardless of how long they’ve been practicing, something to the effect of, “It doesn’t.” Of course. If I begin to feel comfortable dealing with these souls at their point of great need, something is off. Comfort isn’t the goal. I need to be on the edge of my seat, ready for anything. Ready to serve, trusting that He has “prepared the good works for me in advace,” and thus won’t leaving me without a plan.
Emily says
October 3, 2012 at 9:22 AMThanks for saying all this, Sarah. I’ve never really thought about the doctor’s side of things – but it just confirms so much. Even when we are the expert, the fear doesn’t go away. We learn to work with it. Your words are so encouraging.
Alene Snodgrass says
October 3, 2012 at 7:27 AMThank you! Listening definitely isn’t for wimps — it’s hard. I’m so loving your series. I’m longing for quiet. I’m trying to be quiet along side of you. Your words inspire and make me long all the futher!!!
Flower Patch Farmgirl says
October 3, 2012 at 8:37 AMWell, I’m not sure how this relates, but I’m 2 days in and feeling like all my readers are gagging themselves with a spoon over my topic. “I’m not happy with this post, but I’m publishing anyway.” That’ll be me, for 29 more days.
I’m really feeling this quiet thing you’re talking about. It’s speaking to me.
(When we see each other next week, we should just sit and stare and not talk. Ha!)
Karen says
October 3, 2012 at 9:20 AM“But there is great hope, an underlying sense of purpose, a rightness about all this. There is a deeper knowing that I am not alone.”
Yes! I needed to read these words (all of them) this morning. For the first time I’m preparing to speak to a group of women at my church later this month. While I am nervous, there are more complex emotions going on in my heart that I haven’t yet put into words. This helps. Thank you, Emily, for publishing this post anyway.
Diane McElwain says
October 3, 2012 at 9:26 AMEmily I love how you are so totally honest, even to posting your blog page when you are not totally happy with it.
God bless you for being willing to move where he wants you to be!
Rebekah Lyon says
October 3, 2012 at 9:26 AMLoved your post today, Emily 🙂 And grateful for the last paragraph especially. When a blogger/writer is honest about their struggles & not-perfect-enough writing, well, it welcomes imperfect me. So, thank you.
Sharon O says
October 3, 2012 at 9:32 AMBeing quiet is a good place. Why do the monks have silence? so they can listen. Why did Jesus go into the garden? so he could pray. Quiet is a gift we can give ourselves. Everyday. Before the actual day begins we can pour a cup of tea or coffee and sit in the silence and listen.
Shelly Miller says
October 3, 2012 at 9:50 AMSo glad you posted it anyway Emily. This writing every day is a faith challenge for me, you inspire me. I am a girl who likes to have everything planned out ahead of time, working through all the possible contingencies. I let go of all that regarding my writing life with the High Calling writers at Laity Lodge over the weekend. I wish I could sit in the audience to hear you speak at your church. I’m pretty confident you will shine bright for Him.
Amy Corley says
October 3, 2012 at 9:53 AMI am pondering your words about how the fear doesn’t go away, even when the book is published and you have done this a time or two. I have been thinking about fear a lot this week as I write these 31 days posts. It is scary to push publish, yet not just scary, but right and good and I definitely feel His presence here with me as I tap out these words. Thanks for sharing about your fears. It helps me sit here with mine, yet still press on in faith.
Chelsie says
October 3, 2012 at 9:59 AMyou paint pictures with words. it never ceases to amaze me!
jeni says
October 3, 2012 at 10:36 AMEmily, I needed this quiet 31 days. Thank you so much… the fear rings loudly in my ears and I am running frazzled. You have a daily reminder in my inbox to listen and be loved. My heart leaps with thanks. xo-jeni
jess@notyouraveragemommy.com says
October 3, 2012 at 10:39 AMI love how you are making the profound connection between speaking and being quiet.
Speaking is so hard.
I’m convinced that spiritual attack is part of all that fear.
Praying right now against all that for you as you speak.
I’m reading graceful.
Thank you.
Can’t wait to share it with girls in our Youth Ministry.
~Jess
Emily says
October 3, 2012 at 10:41 AMThank you for this, Jess. I tear up thinking you might pray for me.
Janet says
October 3, 2012 at 10:40 AMI am admitting at times I am fearful at times too and you know what it feels good to be real! I am so tired of hearing about how we “should”(I really do not like this word, can anyone tell?!) not be fearful but I am human and until I reach Glory I will not be perfect.
Oh these seasons we go through…..how I wish mine was not of discouragement at this point but it is. So I allow God to help me through giving Him this……I pray He brings me out soon 🙂
Janet says
October 3, 2012 at 10:40 AMI am admitting at times I am fearful too and you know what it feels good to be real! I am so tired of hearing about how we “should”(I really do not like this word, can anyone tell?!) not be fearful but I am human and until I reach Glory I will not be perfect.
Oh these seasons we go through…..how I wish mine was not of discouragement at this point but it is. So I allow God to help me through giving Him this……I pray He brings me out soon 🙂
Ellen says
October 3, 2012 at 11:56 AMI am soooo right there with you Janet – how it feels good (and scary for me at the same time) to be real and about giving our seasons of discouragement to God while allowing Him to help us go through it – knowing He can bring us out of it …but also trusting we are in it for a reason.
Lisa says
October 3, 2012 at 10:41 AMI love my bit of quiet. It is when I truly learn…
Tracey says
October 3, 2012 at 10:47 AM“Peace, be still! And the wind ceased and there was a great calm.” Mark 4:39 kept coming to mind as I read this.
Loving the hush…keep going, Dear One.
Sarah Comley Caldwell says
October 3, 2012 at 12:03 PMThank you for these quiet hush filled posts – amidst the chaos of my current daily life, I so need these beautiful brief moments. (And being a 31 days of Playlists blog this month – I LOVED your post yesterday! 🙂
Bless You!
Pam says
October 3, 2012 at 12:06 PMAlthough you’re just 3 days into it, your posts about quiet are speaking to me… thank you for sharing anyway.
Cheri Gregory says
October 3, 2012 at 1:41 PMThis post reminds me of two literature references to silence:
In Fahrenheit 451, after Montag escapes the city, he revels in the stillness of nature. But he sadly realizes that if his wife were to hear the same silence, it would deafen her and she would scream “Shut up! Shut up!”
And in The Screwtape Letters, penned by Screwtape: “Music and silence–how I detest them both!” He reveals that one of their great strategies is to fill the world with NOISE.
Of course, these are merely works of fiction… 😉
Stacy says
October 3, 2012 at 2:43 PM“You might feel out of control. Are you willing?” I need to imagine God speaking these words to me everyday. Because everyday I try to be in control. Often I feel frustrated, harried and overwhelmed. Occasionally though, I am able to remember that I am not the one in charge. When I can trust and breathe and ask for guidance I am amazed at the results.
Jenny says
October 3, 2012 at 3:08 PMWow. I love this so much. The whole thing resonates with me. I love quiet and solitude but sometimes I realize I am hiding.
I have a tween girls Bible study at my house on Friday. I am always fearful and feel so unraveled before these times. If I get out of the way, God always shows up and it is amazing. Why do I doubt after He has been so faithful EVERY time? Even so, I am pressing on. Trying to listen to His truth and trust in His unfailing love.
I love this series. Thank you so much!
Julia Costas says
October 3, 2012 at 3:14 PM10-03-12
Again I would like to share this quote. “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience
in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” Eleanor Roosevelt (1884 – 1062)
Ann Voskamp says
October 3, 2012 at 3:21 PMOh.
“I’m not happy with this post, but I’m publishing anyway.
The quiet isn’t as quiet as I thought it would be.”
I just looked down to the floor.
Sometimes you don’t have words… Just the silent yes.
Kerry @ Made For Real says
October 3, 2012 at 5:25 PMI love your last two lines, especially – says what most of us feel I’m sure. 😉
Dad says
October 3, 2012 at 5:38 PMIs that that a picture out the front window of the fun bus when we took that detour in Indiana in August?
Now THAT was quiet.
Emily says
October 3, 2012 at 5:49 PMYep. You know it.
Mindy Rogers says
October 3, 2012 at 5:46 PM“The quiet isn’t as quiet as I thought it would be.”
TRUTH!
Being still and quiet is such a challenge…your posts are really giving me a lot to thing about in my own life.
Thanks for being so brave and transparent with us
Annie | annieathome says
October 3, 2012 at 8:04 PMIt’s funny how something like this sometimes doesn’t go the way we anticipate it. This is good stuff, this process. Grateful for your sharing it.
Claire says
October 3, 2012 at 9:58 PM2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Dolly@Soulstops says
October 3, 2012 at 10:55 PMLove your first line: “Listening is not for wimps.” I appreciate your honesty. Grateful that even when we feel out of control, He is not…repeating this to myself…Blessings, Emily 🙂
jen says
October 3, 2012 at 10:59 PMGod bless you!
Julie says
October 3, 2012 at 11:25 PMThanks for your honesty. I appreciate your words, Emily. I can’t wait to read your newest book. Your previous book speaks volumes to me when I need to just ‘hush.’ : )
amber@grace.to.be says
October 3, 2012 at 11:44 PMoh, so glad you did publish this, emily.
i’m learning right along with you.
finding myself okay with not always being okay.
there is a “rightness” in it all as you said…
that neediness that just keeps me crawling back to Him.
Linda says
October 4, 2012 at 2:34 AMWhat would happen if you knew for sure that everything that came out of your mouth would be absolutely the right thing to say for that moment? Would that assuage your fear?
It seems to me that you’re being open and listening and coming from a place of love, so how could you go wrong? Go forth with the confidence that whatever you present will be authentic, and therefore enough. And then give yourself a break and relax.
“just sayin'”
Melody says
October 4, 2012 at 11:21 AMI see your words, hear your words and feel them deep today. There is a desire to not be needy in the quiet place…but how can we depend if we aren’t treading water in the deep end of the pool? Thank you for your view and correcting my belief that the fear will go away when I know what I am doing…then I wouldn’t need to be held and I squirm like a toddler trying to get of HIs lap.”Just let me go…I can do it myself.” Thank you Jesus, that you are driving out the fear of the highway while we tip toe the path with you. Blessings, friend. Your words mattered deeply today. Glad you posted.
Janelle says
October 4, 2012 at 11:45 AMEmily – Thank you for putting into words what I have not been able to get out of my heart. I wish you could truly know how encouraging this post was for me today and in this season. It truly resonates with me. I am thankful for you, for your writings, for this blog, and for you book.
Thank you for hearing from God and continuing through the fear. Perfect love casts out fear and God is love. May your day and family be blessed, as you have blessed others.
Shannon says
October 4, 2012 at 12:53 PM“Surprise! The fear doesn’t go away and I still don’t know what I’m doing.” This makes me breathe a bit easier. Just knowing that these feelings of inadequacy and fear are somewhat normal helps me.
Praying for your talk dear.
Emily says
October 5, 2012 at 10:50 AMthank you, Shannon. That is so kind.
erin says
October 4, 2012 at 3:23 PMI see from your dad’s comment that that is a pic of somewhere in IN. It looks *just* like this road from where I grew up, though (south central KY). I about fell out of my chair when I saw it. Same bend, cornfields, worn road, woods, everything. Crazy!
Cathy says
October 4, 2012 at 5:10 PMI am happy with this post dear girl. There is hope! rightness, and righteousness! As He gives it.
Silence is not in my vocabulary. But I am joining you on this journey. God has declared it!
Lauren Stoltzfoos says
October 4, 2012 at 8:53 PM“I’m learning hard lessons, mainly the one about believing that the fear would go away once I figure out what I’m doing.
Surprise! The fear doesn’t go away and I still don’t know what I’m doing.”
Wow. This is exactly how I feel right now. At 29, God is writing my story and scripting something beautiful, but still it can be so scary and those feelings of fear and uncertainty linger even in the amazing Script…
Emily says
October 5, 2012 at 10:52 AM…and the fear might grow, but so does the plot. I know God writes beautiful stories. Hard ones, too. I believe he doesn’t just write them for us to memorize or figure out, but he invites us into the writing as well.
Ali says
October 5, 2012 at 1:43 PMFear. We try to hide it and pretend it’s not there. Because for some reason, we think its seen as a weak link in us. Yet, since we are humans, we feel it. When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, He feared, asking His Father to “Let this cup pass from me” but at the same time he surrendered Himself to the Fathers hands asking Him to help Him fulfill the will that The Father has prepared for Him. Next to Jesus, His sleepy disciples were afriad too; the difference is that Jesus let His fear to be conquered by the trust and hope onto His Father, which were fed by prayer. The disciples didn’t feed their hope and trust, so it was weak, letting fear take over and control their reactions to what they were afreaid of. Thank you for opening up your fears.
Holly B says
October 6, 2012 at 12:04 PM“I can’t fully put into words. I think about it for a beat or two and realize I feel okay with not fully understanding.
This is a needy place. I didn’t know it at the time…It wasn’t really the plan. Not my plan, anyway.”
Well I LOVE this post.
I too am learning that when I can’t “put it into words” or “fully understand” it is truly “okay.” Remember, you said He’s unoverwhelmable. Recently someone was praying for me and said, “Jesus, none of this is a surprise to you.”
Brought me a lot of comfort. During your loud quiet times (lol, love how that sounds) I pray ridiculous peace over you my friend.
Zhanna says
October 9, 2012 at 12:31 PMI love that part. You think the fear will go away once you know what you’re doing but surprise, the fear is still there and you still don’t know what you are doing.
Sigh . . . I can relate. I think many can relate.
But you know what, that is what makes you so lovable Emily! That despite everything you have accomplished, you have a humble and meek and tender spirit that draws people in. And that’s beautiful. SO much MORE beautiful than some big shot speaker who acts like they know it all and considers themselves a Christian celebrity.
Sometimes this type of fear that you are feeling is a GOOD thing. It’s God reminding you that you can do NOTHING apart from Him. It’s God reminding you to always make it about HIM 🙂 That is He who deserves all the glory. That every time you step on that stage to share your story, it is not about glorifying yourself, it’s about glorifying Him.
Anyhoot, you are absolutely wonderful and I hope to meet you soon one day 🙂