Scooper lives in the Southeast with her husband of fifteen years, three children, and much laundry. Once a history professor, she’s now a stay-at-home mom, having traded in a college classroom for school around the kitchen table. She enjoys writing, photography, books, strong coffee, running at daybreak, and anyone who can make her laugh.
For months, I prayed that I wouldn’t throw up or cry as I floated down the aisle to meet him. I didn’t want mascara dripping down my face or nausea ruining my dress. I didn’t want to be a mess. I wanted to be perfect. Looking back, I probably saw God’s answer to my superficial prayers as a good sign that life would be a lovely storybook . . . just like that day.
Fifteen years later, I still have the dress and the photographs. What I don’t have is a story that matches the one I envisioned on August 12, 1995. We spoke heartfelt vows and lit symbolic candles. The minister said, What God has joined together, let not man separate, but I hardly noticed. Love is blinding like that.
Life would surely be as pretty as we looked on that day. Marriage would be one extended date night. And when kids came along we would spend weekends strolling through the park and licking ice-cream cones and gazing into one another’s eyes as we pushed picture-perfect children back and forth on the swings.
My dreams did not include marriage being harder than I ever imagined and life bringing so much unexpected pain and stress. We enjoyed many good and happy times but as the years rolled by, problems became apparent. Parenthood brought us closer but it ushered new challenges into our marriage as well. Sleep-deprivation only intensified the crazy. We fought and made up but never actually resolved anything significant.
Despite being Christians and going to church, we stubbornly navigated through life and its unfolding drama in our own strength, a rocky marriage simply a by-product of the sludge that simmered deep down below the surface.
Of course the problem was never with me. And the more self-righteous I became, the more he withdrew. And the more he withdrew, the more expectations I issued out of desperation and control. The cycle went on like that until it became our normal.
But “dysfunctional normal” can’t last forever. For me, the uglier things became at home, the harder I worked to maintain a shiny and presentable facade. I hoped for the glittery exterior to magically seep down into the ugly deep and wash it clean. I thought life would return to pretty when this or that circumstance went away.
It didn’t.
My lonely and entitled self sought comfort in a million different lies. We should never have married. He’ll never change. I’m right. We married too young. This isn’t what I signed up for. We’re being punished for something.
The story is complicated but in February 2006 it reached a climax. We legally separated with fragile hope that it would be temporary. And though it sounds ironic, we still deeply loved each other. There was so much to fight for: children, family, the covenant of marriage. But for six months we lived apart and it was hell.
I’d spent years frantically trying to keep up appearances. Those days were over and relief flooded my whole being. We were a mess and I didn’t care if the whole world knew. Pretense is terribly exhausting. I was ready to put that precious energy into saving my marriage.
Words I’d hardly noticed 11 years prior revisited me like a forgotten but faithful friend: What God has joined together . . .
In the midst of a blurry and complicated existence, truth began to shine ever brighter; ultimately it was truth that set me free. God, in his sovereignty and goodness, brought us together. It sounds simplistic but it was all I needed to know.
Even the simplest truth holds power to root out a houseful of lies, lies that had long pursued me. In times of anger, confusion, and fear, I’d found solace in their supposed believability. The lies made me the center of the universe so that I could cast all blame on a guiltier party.
Thankfully, truth and lies cannot coexist. A house divided cannot stand and mine had all but collapsed. God had brought us together. That simple truth inspired profound hope. Desperate and white-knuckled, I clung to it one day at a time.
Slowly we rebuilt. The miracle of restoration began to prop us back up and piece us together. Repentance and forgiveness brought freedom and put our marred union on a path toward healing. Faithful loved ones, generous neighbors, and our church came alongside us to provide love and support that still overwhelms my heart with gratitude.
It was a process. We are still in process. Daily I battle fear and doubt. All those lies taken captive? Well, some days a few of them get loose and come back to visit. Practicing truth takes just that: practice.
My faith was at times non-existent. Even now, it can be shaky. But his word says that if we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself (2 Timothy 2:13). It’s backwards to me but I’ve learned that His ways are usually like that. He brings life out of death, freedom out of surrender, redemption out of brokenness, faith out of unbelief.
God knew what He was doing 15 years ago even though we didn’t. He had brought us together and by His lavish grace…
We still are.
Oh, Scooper. What a fantastic, genuine, beautiful post about real love, the messy kind that takes choice and work. I love this post and am thankful for Scooper’s willingness to share it with us today. To find out more about her, visit her blog, A La Mode. PS? Today is her 15th wedding anniversary. Go congratulate her!
Kirsten says
August 12, 2010 at 8:03 AMThis post spoke to my heart in profound and soul-stirring ways. My husband and I traveled our own road through this dark valley in the last 6 months, and it was all extremely polite, without screaming & shouting, but rocked us to our very core. Funnily enough, it was not counseling that helped us turn the corner, but somehow, within both of us, a deep re-connection to, a resonant calling of those words ‘what God has brought together.’ We both KNOW that God brought us together, and to ignore that because of our inability to focus on priorities? So foolish. So human.
This post was beautiful. Thanks to both of you for sharing.
Emily@remodelingthislife says
August 12, 2010 at 8:18 AMThank you. Thank you. Thank you.
This story is my story.
Beautiful, honest, raw.
Mary Joy @Seeds of Encouragement Sewn with Grace says
August 12, 2010 at 8:47 AMOh wow!!!!!! What an incredible, God-filled story!!! Thank you so much for sharing it with us! I am going over to her blog right now to visit, congratulate her and thank her for having the courage to share the “messiness” with us. What an amazing testimony to the covenant of marriage and the power of God when we are weak!!!
Bonita says
August 12, 2010 at 8:54 AMBeautiful! This is a true love story, far better than a gushy romance novel or a Hallmark movie. This love is real.
Scooper, I’m crazy about you anyway, but you outdid yourself with this one!
Emily says
August 12, 2010 at 8:55 AMI agree with everything Bonita said. Of course, I always agree with everything Bonita says.
Kim says
August 12, 2010 at 9:03 AMThanks for sharing… what a beautiful story!
stacey says
August 12, 2010 at 9:18 AMBeautiful. Real. Masks removed. Just as it should be.
Thanks for sharing your heart.
Richella says
August 12, 2010 at 9:50 AMIsn’t Scooper wonderful? Amazing how a true story, an honest telling, resonates with us. I suppose it’s because she’s right: pretense IS exhausting, so that even reading something so honest is a relief to the soul.
Thank you, Sccoper and Emily!
Joan says
August 12, 2010 at 9:51 AMThanks, Emily, for giver the Scooper the opportunity to post here. You are truly special to her.
As her mom, I (and her dad) thank God daily for the miracle we get to see up close and personal in their marriage and family. I can never thank Him enough. God does amazing things!
Anna says
August 12, 2010 at 9:52 AMWow, amazing. One of my favorite guest posts so far. It motivates me to flee to God for my 16-month-old marriage. It is good now. But I see hints of that cycle of dysfunction, especially in my own heart – the demanding, the self-centeredness, the high expectations. Only the Lord can keep me from going further down that road. Thank you so much for sharing your redemptive story.
Angie C says
August 12, 2010 at 10:14 AMThis was amazing! Thank you for sharing. As someone who is currently planning her wedding, these words are a reminder that life after the wedding day can be messy and hard if we forget about God, who brought us together. This really is a great post to remind us of what is really important and that God is the foundation of a good marriage.
ginny says
August 12, 2010 at 10:17 AMHe brings life out of death, freedom out of surrender, redemption out of brokenness, faith out of unbelief.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this truth and the story you told to prove it. I have walked a similar road with a much different outcome…and HE still does what He says in this truth!!! Thank you!! What an encouragement!!!
Elizabeth says
August 12, 2010 at 10:43 AMTruth and lies cannot coexist-so very true! And pretense will always be exhausting, so why do we work so hard at it sometimes? Beautiful post!
JoAnn says
August 12, 2010 at 11:11 AMI’m in the “sleep deprivation only intensified the crazy” stage of life. I love this post! LOVE IT!
Oh Scoopy, your writing is so clear and beautiful and true. Happy Anniversary!
p.s. as someone who’s navigating rocks and coral reefs, I love that you remind me that truth is enough. God is enough. His plan is enough. YAY!
Mrs.B says
August 12, 2010 at 11:41 AMLove this!…
~don’t most of us start out wiht that “dream”…perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect fairytale life…?
Well, we just have to keep our eyes on the PERFECT groom & all that He teaches us about being the bride!
jean wise says
August 12, 2010 at 11:47 AMWhat a honest open witness to the work involved in marriage. I admire that you are so vulnerable with your story and praying you continue to grow together as a family. Our expectations is for the easy path but the reality is a lot tougher.
Melissa | Madabella: made beautiful says
August 12, 2010 at 11:48 AMOh wow. i just cried through this post. what a blessing that you heart God’s voice over the shouting and anger and bitterness that clouds your mind in times like these. God’s word redeems beyond our own threshold of understanding. i remember it all too well… and coincidentally wrote some of what you shared in a post recently…:
http://madabella.typepad.com/blog/2010/08/living-near-the-fault.html
To Him who is able to keep us from falling.
Ruth says
August 12, 2010 at 11:56 AMThank you! for your story.
Marraige takes a lot of hard work.
Best wishes and Happy Anniversary.
Hayley says
August 12, 2010 at 1:42 PMThis is amazing! It’s like she’s stepped into my life for the past year, one of the reasons I haven’t blogged in quite a while. My husband decided he wanted a divorce this past March when our daughter was about 5 weeks old. My world was completely turned upside down for all the “reasons” or excuses that Scooper listed. I never in a million years thought that after an almost 12 year relationship I would find myself sitting across from my high school sweetheart and husband in a court room, but I was…setting up temporary child support. My children and I moved out of our family home for 3 months, but my God is mighty and he was refining us both during this time. Our marriage has been reclaimed for His glory and it was only by His grace that we were saved 2 weeks before our 7th wedding anniversary. I think it’s so amazing that she decided to post this. There are so many marriages in crisis today, it’s nice to know there are similar stories with amazing endings 🙂 I hope one day soon I’ll have the courage and words to share mine.
-Hayley
Sissy says
August 12, 2010 at 3:50 PMWhat a powerful story of God’s love! Even in the darkest moments of what I am going through, I keep reaching out to Him.
Lily Winnail says
August 12, 2010 at 4:49 PMWhat a lovely thing to wake up to this morning! My best friend, sharing a very difficult part of her life so transparently. How amazing our God is, that He can use and work ALL things for the good to those who love Him. His redeeming love constantly strengthens my faith in Him. I am so thankful for Scooper, her husband, and their family. She is a blessing to all those who know her and I am thrilled that you all get to fall in love with her too.
Terri says
August 12, 2010 at 4:56 PMBeautiful. True for so many of us. It is amazing how we can be married so many years before finally figuring out how it is really supposed to work! How patient with is is our Lord! And how wonderful how He turns everything for good. Thank you for blessing us with your story. Love you, Scooper! Blessings!
Linda says
August 12, 2010 at 7:45 PMThank you for your open, honest heart. I am always amazed at the amazing restorative power of love and grace. It has been true in my life too, and I am more grateful than I can say.
Kristen-Moms Sharpening Moms says
August 12, 2010 at 11:59 PMOh Scooper! This is what the world needs more of…real women being honest about their real struggles and messes because WE ALL HAVE THEM. No one has it all together!
And Happy Anniversary! We celebrated our 15th in June with a vow renewal. It was a fitting celebration after our own ups and downs.
Thank you for this.
Barbie says
August 13, 2010 at 12:11 AMThis is absolutely beautiful! I am off to visit her blog now!
Michelle DeRusha @ Graceful says
August 13, 2010 at 8:00 AMThis is an amazing post. I love, love your honesty, your bravery in telling your story — a story like everyone else’s, with messiness, and ugly parts and fear — and hope, above all. Thank you for this — I am SO glad to meet you here today!!
Flower Patch Farmgirl says
August 13, 2010 at 4:03 PMHey – I know you! 🙂
This post is so truth-filled and beautiful. And I have been there. The God-whispered words (even when I really didn’t want to hear them) that saved me were, “Satan is trying so hard to separate us. It must be that we are better together.” And I agree, the truth that it was God’s sovereignty that united us in the first place was so powerful.
I’m off to share this link on facebook. People need to know this. Thank you, Scooper.
Danielle Cevallos says
August 13, 2010 at 5:03 PMLove to hear the stories of God’s rebuilding! There are so many stories to the contrary, and I think it such an amazing thing to see how God can take the most broken of vessels and bring them together! Thanks for your honesty and willingness to share!!!
Jenny says
August 15, 2010 at 11:19 AMOh my gosh this so encourages me today. We are in year 2 of our marriage.
I find myself needing to hear those words from God “What I have brought together…” because I am doubting that and it is creeping into my marriage like a cancer… How do I know that God has brought us together? Everyone else is convinced God did it.
Today I needed to hear about your struggle… that you too had this idyllic dream that looked nothing like the reality of your marriage. Thanks for sharing your struggle…
Chrystal says
August 16, 2010 at 4:45 PMWow. So beautifully put. It rings so true to the story of my marriage. We too could not get it right until we gave it to God, as it was only His to have in the first place. Thank you for being transparent; I think that by doing so you will help so many other women. After all, the truth will set you free.
deb @ talk at the table says
August 17, 2010 at 9:54 AMI glanced at this briefly but knew it needed to be read with attention,
I’m home now and catching up.
this took my breath away.
I am so so relieved that things worked out, that you had the deep down love and Love to get through this.
marriage, parenting, life,
it is so much harder than we could have ever imagined.
but it is so much more glorious really too.
Charissa Steyn says
August 18, 2010 at 11:23 AMThanks for sharing this lovely post! Marriage is definitely a beautiful mess 🙂 The perfect combination of pretty and ugly. hehe 🙂
Christine says
February 15, 2011 at 6:01 PMThanks so much for sharing your life with all of us. What a beautiful, honest post! Marriage is hard and great all in the same breath! Looking forward to more of your thoughts! Your awesome!