Ever find yourself wishing you could eat a really big lunch and then not have to make dinner? Better yet, let’s make our huge breakfast be the only meal we have to eat all day. I do that sometimes, when it’s just me. I’ve yet to convince the rest of the fam what a good plan it is.
Don’t get me wrong. I really do like to eat. And I like to cook, too. I just don’t like to HAVE to eat. Or cook. It would be so much better if, on those days when we are tired and unmotivated, we could just eat once and have it last.
But we can’t. That’s just not how it works.
Sometimes I think the same way about time with the Lord. I wish on an exhausting, no-good day, I could pull out a 2 hour bible study I had back in ’98. Like a quiet-time filing cabinet that was stocked before I had kids. But that is me trying to be all checklist-y, as if time with the Lord were equivalent to cutting the tomato and roasting the chicken (as if I ever roast a chicken).
In my head, I used to be really great. That is, before I had kids. Even better before I got married. I was patient, sweet, organized and practically perfect in every way. I remember being so depressed those first few months of marriage. Who is this crazy, emotional, needy woman and what did she do with patient, sweet, amazing me? And I was sure my new husband was thinking the same thing. Until I realized there was really never such a thing as patient, sweet me and I had certainly never been amazing. At least not in the way I thought. It’s just now that I was married, there was someone always there to reflect the reality of my lack.
And to graciously remind me of my need for a Savior without saying a word. No more hiding. No more faking it.
And so, after a few more years of life under my belt, time with the Lord is looking different now than it used to. I think it is messy, desperate, sweet, frustrating. And sometimes it is dry, quiet, non-existent. But it is more real than it used to be. He is more real than He use to be. And that can’t be pulled out of a filing cabinet.
*sigh* Now I gotta go make dinner.