When we bought our house almost nine years ago, there was a several month period where we owned it but hadn’t moved in yet. We had some renovations to complete. For example, the master bedroom had pink walls with purple trim and the living room walls were covered in floor to ceiling mirrors.
We bought the house even though Carol Brady would have called it dated simply because we had a vision for what it could be.
The twins had just turned four at that time, their baby brother not yet two. During those months of renovation, I would stop by the house to walk through it alone in the early morning hours. I was smitten with how the sunroom lit up with hope between 7 and 8 am.
Leaning against the door jam in one of the upstairs bedrooms, I liked the way the light lay in long lines on the hardwood floor. I could imagine that floor littered with colorful plastic toys, soft loveys, and board books.
We hadn’t moved in, the walls weren’t painted, and the house wasn’t finished yet.
Still, I could see it even though I couldn’t see it.
***
For over a year now, I’ve had an idea for a project but I haven’t done it yet.
It’s not for lack of motivation or conviction that the thing ought to be done. But I’ve had this unequivocal sense that I need to wait on it, like a hand is stretched out in front of me.
The image isn’t one of a policeman saying Stop, you aren’t allowed to go yet.
It’s more like one of a mom who hit the brakes too hard at the stoplight and her arm instinctively stretches across the passenger seat.
Like that, but less frantic. More gentle.
It’s clear I’m to wait.
It’s not clear as to why.
I’ve walked through all the familiar stages of a new project with this idea. I’ve talked about it, prayed about it, written down notes as ideas come to me, and paid attention to the world around me and the world within me as it relates to the subject matter.
But I haven’t actually started in on the project yet. And the past few days it’s started to bother me.
Am I being lazy? Am I procrastinating? Am I scared? Intimidated? Do I just not know how to begin this one?
Then the doubting starts to come in, the wondering if maybe this project isn’t to be done after all, maybe I have it all wrong or partially wrong or wrong enough to keep me from moving on it.
When the next steps are unclear, doubt is often the most logical conclusion.
Maybe I don’t know how to hear God’s voice after all. Maybe all this is just my idea.
***
Many times we’re looking for guidance somewhere out there – a sign, a word, an encouragement, a conversation.
And while I know God can speak and will speak in any or maybe all of those ways, the most regular way he speaks to me is the one I have most often dismissed.
Through the voice that comes from within.
But here’s the thing I realized this morning: I’m finally learning to trust that voice.
It’s true, I started to have those thoughts of doubt and questioning. But though they still showed up, this time they didn’t sit down.
They didn’t linger because they weren’t welcome.
Instead, they passed on through so I could make way for those who are truly invited to inhabit the deep places in my soul: thoughts of courage, hope, and belief.
I’m learning that still, small voice isn’t the voice of age or wisdom or confidence.
Those things come as a result of listening to the voice, to be sure.
But they are not the source.
“And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: and after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.”
1 Kings 19:11-12 (KJV)
That still, small voice is the voice of God as he is united with me in the deepest part of who I am. He often speaks in such a regular and familiar way that it’s almost too normal to point out.
We look for fireworks or signals or confirmation from somewhere other-than us. But he keeps on reminding us that he has made our heart his home. And that’s the place from where he’ll make his voice heard.
And so I have a project that’s been living in my bones and I would like to complete it. Several projects, actually.
I can see them all, I know what they are to be, what purpose I think they are made to serve as I listen to my life and the Spirit’s heartbeat
In the past I would have an idea and fairly soon after that, I get to work.
The vision grows as the work is done.
This time, though, the vision has been growing but the work isn’t done at all.
It’s not happened for me in this order before.
I can see it even though I can’t see it.
And I’m not sure what to do with that right now. I’m not used to holding so much in my heart all at once without being able to move on it.
It can be confusing because so much of the rhetoric around creative work is that if you have an idea but aren’t acting on it, then it means you’re nursing some brand of fear, insecurity, or immaturity. Put your head down, drink more coffee, and get to work!
But what about the work that grows slowly?
What about the ideas that take years to form?
The ministry that needs darkness and time to bury its roots down deep into you?
The book that only wants to drip out of you, one slow word at a time?
The business that requires an un-rushed foundation?
Is the vision strong enough to carry our soul through the foggy right now?
If it’s not, are we willing to listen to the still, small voice and believe it’s telling the truth?
Can we hold on to our faith while we wait?
***
“The spirit of man is the candle of the Lord, searching all the inward parts of the belly.”
Proverb 20:27
If you walk too fast with a candle in your hands, the flame will blink right out. You have to take slow, measured steps, maybe even block the candle from the wind as you go.
So for now, I’ll walk slowly with the flame still lit and continue to ask my friend Jesus about the next step. I’ll believe he lives within me and speaks, even now, through his Word, his people, and my own deepest desires as I confess them in his presence.
***
Almost nine years later, we’ve built our lives within the painted walls of this house and all those visions I had back then have become our reality.
That bedroom floor went from being cluttered with colorful plastic toys to Barbie dolls to hot wheels then nail polish and now drumsticks and a thousand mismatched pairs of Nike elite basketball socks.
It’s a slow work, building a life. But the future always comes.
I know this post is all loose ends and no tight bows but I felt compelled to share this middle-space with you. If nothing else, let these half-thoughts be an encouragement to you in the midst of your own now-but-not-yet moments.
Trust the voice that comes from within.
If there’s a longing, a desire, or a vision growing within you or if you have an idea, a project, or work you can see even though you can’t see it, carry on.
Walk slowly. Listen closely. And let that candle burn.
If you have your own project slowly brewing beneath the surface and wonder if you’re approaching the time to bring it to life, I’d love to help.
I created a class to help people like you and me finally start and finish projects that matter without the rhetoric that might shame you into working at a pace that isn’t natural for you. This course encourages focused creativity, soul space, and meaningful work.
I’ve already walked with nearly 250 people through this course and we’ll be starting a new group in March. You don’t have to decide now, but just get your name on the list to learn more.
Anita says
January 18, 2017 at 1:36 PMLove this!
missy says
January 19, 2017 at 8:56 AMVery timely as well. I hadn’t been getting emails from you in a long time and just the other day, you were in my inbox again and now this! I don’t know how creative my situation is, but it has required lots of patience and a lot of self doubt and insults from the enemy have been flying. I often feel that I don’t recognize the small voice or trust it. I need to just “be” in this middle space and continue to listen.
Jana Snyder says
January 18, 2017 at 1:38 PMWow, Emily… I did (or attempted to do) morning pages this morning (which was just a morning page), and the one thing that came out is that I need to learn how to better and more consistently discern God’s will/voice. Even if you have no neat-in-a-bow answers, it’s encouraging to be reminded that the still small voice is legit, and bears listening to.
Thanks for sharing your middle. 🙂
Jeana Saeedi says
January 18, 2017 at 1:41 PMAh, I needed this very badly. Thank you for your encouraging words; your blog has been a well to me in this time of waiting. Letting the roots of what Jesus has planted grow can be nerve-racking. The time hasn’t come yet for this dream to break the surface.
Lately, I’ve found myself thinking similar thoughts as I question God’s voice. But yesterday on a long walk, I heard that still small voice say, “Keep going.”
Carry on. Take heart. Spring is coming.
Thanks Emily.
Emily says
January 18, 2017 at 1:41 PMAm I being lazy? Am I procrastinating? Am I scared? Intimidated? Do I just not know how to begin this one?
I have an idea that has been living, growing, in me that I’m certain can only be from God… but I don’t know how to begin. That’s the bottom line, and something I constantly struggle with. Do I just leap, or continue to pray? I’ve been taking small steps towards it for a few years, but what is the next step? How do I get from here… to there? I will continue to walk slowly, listen slowly, and hope.
Richella Parham says
January 18, 2017 at 1:45 PMBless you, sweet friend. If I remember correctly, your highest score on Strengths Finder is Achiever, right?
But to learn to listen and to trust that still, small voice is in fact an achievement. So all this waiting work is really important–and productive! God be with you as you listen and learn.
Meanwhile, kudos on the Create + Complete course. Let me know if you need a testimonial. I’d be glad to tell anyone how good it is!
Richella Parham says
January 18, 2017 at 1:48 PMP.S. I got to preach at my home church just once this Fall, but guess what the topic was? Hearing God. I felt like I was the least qualified person ever to preach that sermon! But we’re learning, aren’t we? 🙂
Love you.
Bekah Pogue says
January 18, 2017 at 1:49 PMYes yes and amen! My hubs and I are in a waiting spot and I can palpably feel myself bursting from within yet I’m holding fast to the tension and “waiting and listening” as a sweet friend encouraged me to do so. And what will come may not only be a change of scenery but a rooted dependency on the One who is unwavering. Thank you for the encouragement today. Spoken like a true 4 😉
Starr says
January 18, 2017 at 1:50 PMI just finished sitting with your dad just 30 minutes ago while my husband and I shared a vision of something we can see so clearly that isn’t yet here. Then, after they both leave I open my email to read these words. It’s like God just whispered to my heart through your post. Thank you so much, Emily! I feel as though the fog is beginning to lift that has been surrounding me for several years and I see that this is what I’ve been created for. This. This thing that isn’t really a thing yet. Ha! I’m so excited and can’t wait to see your next adventures as well. You lead us well, friend.
Dawn says
January 18, 2017 at 1:54 PMEmily:
I couldn’t wait to get to the end of your post to tell you how much I can relate to what you are saying here! The very fact that you’ve sat with your project and can see the details of it taking shape, and now you are “starting to be bothered about it,” I believe, IS God’s still, small voice resonating with yours and telling you that maybe NOW is the time to move forward with it. Trust your voice because it is deeply united with Christ’s. Plus, I can’t wait to see what you’ve got coming!
Aimee Kollmansberger says
January 18, 2017 at 2:02 PMmy word for 2017 is “wait”. and it’s all this that you said. moving slowly. no implementation. choosing to not believe that living on purpose is living chronically productive. it’s listening, lingering and resting in the ideas.
Robin Gray says
January 18, 2017 at 2:09 PMI’ve been in a “holding pattern” myself, since early last Fall. I’ve sometimes said God has to talk through my mouth cause I don’t shut up long enough to hear him. Sadly, nothing’s coming out except my own nonsense. Sometimes I hear him through a book or the radio. My oldest child has dealt with Giant Cell Tumors, every Fall a new one, for the past 5 years. Always, before they found another one, I would hear Amazing Grace on the radio. Like the Lord was warning me to get ready, the roller coaster was starting up again. Last Fall, he finally had a clear MRI scan – PRAISE THE LORD!!! – and I didn’t hear Amazing Grace. Happy and Sad.
So I’ve been trying to learn about listening to that still, small, voice. What’s next, Lord? I’m listening, sort of, and waiting to know. Silence can be a little deafening, you know?
Tracey says
January 18, 2017 at 2:18 PMThank you for these sweet words of encouragement today! Also learning to trust that voice, to wait patiently, to learn in the season of inactivity, and be grateful for the hope that keeps me moving forward into the future that awaits.
Rachel says
January 18, 2017 at 2:33 PMEmily, I needed this today. I’m nervous to move forward with what I’ve been working on. Last night, my dad said, “Keep going. Don’t stop. Take others with you.” Your words and his are ones to remember. Thank you for sharing with us.
Maggie Whitley says
January 18, 2017 at 2:34 PMHey friend, we wrote about the same topics today — hmmmm 🙂 glad to read I’m not alone! xx
Jenn says
January 18, 2017 at 2:48 PMAs always, Emily, you know just how to say something to speak right to the deep parts of me.
I experienced a huge “not yet” this past weekend… after thinking I’d heard confirmation after confirmation from God through various sources (including Scripture). I could “see” what I couldn’t yet see… soooo many possibilities! And I was soooo full of hope! I’d actually gotten myself to the point where I was CONVINCED this thing would definitely happen… that God had put it in my path because it was His “next step” for us!
And then it didn’t happen. God said “not right now”. And I’m devastated. I KNOW His ways are best… I KNOW His timing is perfect. And I KNOW He must have something even better in mind for us. But it still hurts. You know?
I have questioned whether I can trust myself to “hear” God speaking to me… But He has been gracious enough to send me reminder after reminder that He is still good, He is still working on my behalf, and I CAN still trust Him. So, on we go.
Susan Green says
January 18, 2017 at 2:56 PMTwo years ago I was diagnosed with a type of cancer that I had never heard of before, multiple myeloma. The treatments were progressing in the right direction but moving very slowly. Last year I wrote about the “middle space” of waiting for healing and the desire for regaining my life. http://summariesbysusan.blogspot.com/?m=1
I am now recovering from a stem cell transplant. This medical procedure (miracle) will move me to a new stage of life. I look forward to the new normal when I look back and see, “it was worth the wait!”
melissa hirshburg says
January 18, 2017 at 2:57 PMNeeded this encouragement, thank you.
Summer says
January 18, 2017 at 3:08 PMWow. It feels like you’ve been reading my mail. I just wrote about this for a seminary paper. Have you read The Critical Journey? You probably did with your spiritual direction training. It sounds like your inner stage 3 (production oriented, ego oriented) is cracking the whip at your Stage 5 (focused on nourishment that comes from silence and following, not leading). Lazy? I don’t think so. Keep doing the hard thing of becoming…and thank you for giving us a peek so we know we aren’t alone.
Lydia says
January 18, 2017 at 3:44 PMJust when I’m about to turn away with a sigh, you come along with the words my heart speaks and bring reason back to me and that makes the waiting hopeful again.
Thank you for that.
Cheryl Licht says
January 18, 2017 at 3:53 PMThank you so much. For the vulnerable inbetween space. It’s so familiar. We applaud the finished product and so often forget there would be no product without the long wrestle and longer wait. I’m there. Learning to be faithful with what’s in my hands today. How can the seemingly trivial things be so hard?
Thank you so much!!!
Bless you,
Cheryl
Anna Bolch says
January 18, 2017 at 4:37 PMOh this is so true! I felt like these words were written just for me, just for today. I see the vision, but I don’t see it yet. It’s so difficult to wait, especially when I seem to have nothing else going on. Listening for that voice and praying boldly for direction.
Virginia Patton says
January 18, 2017 at 4:38 PMI was so interested to read your blog today. Thanks for sharing it. There was a time when I began to think I had run ahead of God. My husband and I had prayed for a month over making a move to close our time with the pastorate we were serving. Our children needed the change of schools to a larger district with greater options and opportunities. We needed to be closer to my family. God seemed to be leading us to this. Then after giving our time for departure to our elders and the church at large, we waited. It seemed our outreach to other possible pastorates were going unheard. Finally we received a call to come to a new place and the change took place. Months later we learned that call that had come from the place we were serving at that time, had begun to pray for someone to come and serve with and to them. Their prayers and our prayers had matched almost to the day. God is in control and He loves to surprise us. Thanks for your words and the memories it jogged to mind!
Paris Renae says
January 18, 2017 at 4:50 PMyes, simmering slow, His voice saying not yet, relish what is now, not what will be then – in His time…
Pam says
January 18, 2017 at 5:26 PMI love this, Emily. You so gently give permission with your words to take it slow when everything and everyone around seems to be saying go, go, go. I So appreciate your half thoughts. Thank you for this.
K Ann Guinn says
January 18, 2017 at 7:45 PMThanks for another gentle encouragement. I too am learning to heed that still, small voice. Most often when I have an idea, a word or a thought I naturally tend to think I just thought of it myself, but I’m also realizing that after following him my whole life (albeit imperfectly), I can count on him to talk to me! I can trust him even though I myself often fail. I am learning to follow him in new areas in my life. Blessings to you as we continue to grow together.
Lauri E Morrill says
January 18, 2017 at 8:02 PMI am still awaiting Jesus’ “go” on HIS book of my story in HIM. I tried to do a website with you all; NO, Lauri. I wrote a draft with NANOWRIMO the first year He told me to write…since then, He–My Savior and My Heavenly Father and the Holy Spirit have confirmed over and over that I don’t know the whole story yet and it’s not time to start. I have doubted and wanted to give up. But one day He is going to write my story in HIM! It is a marvelous story of HIS FAITHFULNESS and my healing in Him step by step, transforming me into the image of the Savior, The Son, My Jesus Christ! In the meantime, I encourage on FB and to friends and I study and I quiet time so that I can HEAR and FEEL His still small, BIG LOVING VOICE radiate in my being out through my life to others so they can see HIM shine in me! One day He will say NOW, LAURI! Meanwhile, I hope to GLORIFY HIM moment by moment in whatever else He has me doing! GRACIOUS LORD, LOVING LORD, AMAZING GOD ALMIGHTY; I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH! Love, Lauri
P.S. Thank you for Emily P. Freeman and YOU IN HER!
Kelsie says
January 18, 2017 at 8:16 PMYes! Yes! One thousand times yes!
XO
Veronica says
January 18, 2017 at 8:51 PMHi Emily, this is sweet encouragement. Thank you for sharing your half-thoughts and family photos. And that blue sky and light shining through your skylight, that spoke to my heart and was a gentle reminder of how beautiful is God’s Creation. “If there’s a longing, a desire, or a vision growing within you or if you have an idea, a project, or work you can see even though you can’t see it, carry on. Walk slowly. Listen closely. And let that candle burn.” My spirit said an “oh, yes” when I read about your class in March. Please add me to your list. Have a good evening, sweet Emily.
Faith Raider says
January 18, 2017 at 8:51 PMI have felt this way for the last couple of years. These projects have been growing inside of me but the timing for birthing the project just hasn’t been right yet. It is SO tempting to doubt the voice of God, and especially my ability to hear Him. But He has been SO faithful in the past, I’m trying to remember to trust Him now.
Beira says
January 18, 2017 at 10:19 PMRefreshing. Yes, some projects need time to simmer.
Sarah Farish says
January 19, 2017 at 8:25 AMI feel like everyone else has a formula; there’s no formula – even if you’ve had a formula in the past:) Thanks for these words. They’re so very encouraging!
Nicki Schroeder says
January 19, 2017 at 8:33 AMThank you for sharing your middle with us. And keep listening to that still, small voice! Love how you left us feeling hopeful for things to come. Our Father is so good! xoxo
Elise says
January 19, 2017 at 9:19 AMPraise God! I’ve been nursing a small calling for a little while now, letting it sit and fester as an idea rather than acting on it. I feel called to discern in a deeper way where he is calling me to go, but I couldn’t tell if it was me talking or God (which seems silly now, as he calls us to that always). The part where you mention God having already set up shop in our hearts reminded me that perhaps that little voice I think is mine is actually the way he prefers to call me–quietly and from within. Thank you so much for sharing your in-between! It was a God-sent kick in the butt for me 🙂
Amy Corley says
January 19, 2017 at 9:37 AM17 years ago I took a chemistry class, my first in a long list of prerequisites I needed for nursing school, a hope and dream that was in my heart way back then. In just a few short months, I will start full-time nursing school. In the intervening years, much has happened: my husband went to grad school, we had children, he joined the military and served overseas…so very much!!! But the dream of nursing school was always a flame there in my heart, sometimes so small I hardly noticed it for years, other times blazing up a bit and causing me to do internet searches on nursing schools. Two years ago, my husband transferred his GI Bill benefits to me and the doors opened wide in our lives (though now I have four children!) and I re-started taking those prerequisite classes. And finished them. And applied to school. And on May 8 I will realize my dream of going to nursing school. God’s timing was not my own, but it is so, so good. And that still small voice is trustworthy. Thank you for reminding us to listen to it, Emily, and for sharing your life with us.
Kelly O Stanley says
January 19, 2017 at 10:23 AMI can’t tell you how comforted I was to read this. You described what I’ve been feeling for a long time. The achiever in me wants to be moving forward — go, go, go — but that still small voice keeps holding me back. It’s easy to want to beat myself up for not being “productive,” especially when it was shown clearly to me what I’m to do next. But the next steps aren’t coming yet, and I’m trusting that the direction I heard was from Him and that He will give me the next step in time. Reading this post was like getting permission to be right where I already am, and I needed that. Thank you.
Carrie says
January 19, 2017 at 10:51 AMI feel that I have something to write. I don’t know what it is yet. I can think of “holes” in literature that I have found, but I don’t know that I have enough to say to fill any of them. I also have a strong feeling that it’s not time yet and I am to wait for more information–not force it. I am going with “Pay Attention” as my words for this year. When the time is right, He’ll tell me and He’ll give me the content.
Laura McDonald says
January 19, 2017 at 12:52 PMI’m still not convinced we weren’t separated at birth (you probably get that a lot). I made it half way through Create & Complete and my son shattered his right ankle, making me “mom taxi” once again and throwing my project into tailspin mode. Just this morning I was out walking, listening, and tearfully praying – inspired to begin again. And now this. God’s voice (His timing), through your writing is impeccable. Thank you for always sharing your beautiful heart with such brave vulnerability.
Many blessings to you,
Laura
Breanna says
January 19, 2017 at 1:34 PMThank you for taking the time to share your heart, God’s heart for me. I needed this encouragement today.
Deb Weaver says
January 19, 2017 at 1:49 PMYes. This resonates with me in this season. There are projects poking their heads along the edges, but it’s not yet time to turn my time to them. There are other projects that God has led me to for now and, in the midst of the process, I still question whether or not I’ve heard correctly. It’s harder and messier in the middle sometimes and doubts shout louder then, but I, too, am learning to hear and heed the voice of God as He speaks through His Word and through His Spirit. I appreciate how you always seem to understand my journey and its stages.
Shannan says
January 19, 2017 at 10:47 PMDaaaaang, girl.
I love this.
Leslie says
January 20, 2017 at 12:30 AMEmily,
This is so encouraging! I was doubting myself and my creative ideas this very morning. I didn’t read the email the day it came and it must have been because God knew I needed to read it today instead of yesterday. : ) Thanks for sharing your heart!
Leslie
Lauren A. Powell says
January 20, 2017 at 3:31 PMI have been wrestling with this very thing and can relate to this being the first time progress has moved so neededly slow. The missions organization that umbrellas the ministry I’ve dreamed up, would love to have me move forward but Papa has not only swung wide other doors the last year and a half and obviously spurred me to walk through them, but He has also not allowed me to let go of the ministry vision. That vision would take waaaaay more of my focus and time than I can currently give, during this season of worthy work. So hard to figure out if He has built this ministry in my head and on paper for me to turn it over to someone else (like an adoption) that has more time and resources to complete it… or if I’m to patiently wait for His timing and express the need to wait to the umbrella organization. Phew! I’ve been fasting this month of January (corporate fast with the church I serve on staff with) and it has certainly been a wrestling match for my will and His). Grateful for your relatable post and the idea that waiting isn’t always stop.
Lauren says
January 20, 2017 at 10:24 PMLove this so much! It was like sweet music to my soul! Made me cry a little bit. 🙂
Dorina L Gilmore-Young says
January 21, 2017 at 5:07 PMEmily, thank you for writing this post. I felt like you took me on a long walk and shared about your process. I needed that reminder that slow is hard and beautiful and important and normal in the creative process. My “word” this year is BEHOLD and I loved the 1 Kings 19:11-12 verse you shared. This gave me a new perspective that we don’t always Behold a grand announcement with trumpet call from the Lord. Sometimes it comes in a whisper and unfolds over time…
Dana Butler says
January 21, 2017 at 11:24 PMReally timely for me. Thanks, Emily.
Abi says
January 23, 2017 at 5:32 PMThank you for sharing your middle. I am so grateful. You continually put words to my thoughts and I am so grateful for the way you give me language to describe where I’m at. I am also in the quiet wait – quiet because that’s what this idea has needed, and quiet because I’m afraid to admit to the wait for the reasons you listed above (I don’t want to be misunderstood as lazy or fearful or stuck). So, thank you. I’m glad I’m not in this alone.
Stephanie says
January 25, 2017 at 12:34 PMThis post has sat in my email for days now. The title was catchy and I felt I needed it, but time (or lack of) kept me from diving in. Today, while struggling with inner confusion, questions and wondering what my next step is, I opened my email and felt prompted to read this post. Thank you, Jesus for leading me to this! Thank you, Emily for sharing! So very needed.
Here is where I am… Although this project is not exactly what you may describe as a creative one, it is what I’m currently seeking God’s wisdom in. I have had a vision to start my own daycare for quite some time. I have been praying and really starting to feel like this is the year. I began working on the details and creating forms to get going. My current sitter is having unexpected health issues and can no longer care for my child. This is abrupt and I’m struggling to know if this is a “sign” to get going with my project or if I need to wait. This is so timely and while I’m still completely unclear, I love the fact that He is within me and the still small voice is there. I do not need fireworks, I simply need to seek him and he will lead me. Whether to go or wait (I wasn’t okay with waiting, but now I am if He leads me that way).
Thanks again!