We crowded around the table in their tiny Brooklyn brownstone, eating gnocchi and reminiscing about our days as hall mates in our small Bible college. My friends were the “wild girls” – the ones who sometimes played silly pranks or secretly lit candles in the dorm rooms.
It was all ridiculous, innocent (minus the fire hazard) fun, but inevitably girls who didn’t always follow the rules in Bible college will earn some enemies among fellow students.
As we laughed and ate, the conversation turned to all the people who didn’t like us in college, to which one of us had more enemies (I use that term very loosely here).
“I’m sure there were a lot of people who didn’t like me,” I offered. I couldn’t name any of them, but I tended to assume people don’t like me until they prove otherwise, especially back then.
The conversation got quiet and everyone stared at me.
“Everyone liked you, Emily. You were too nice not to like.”
Oh.
In that moment, I think she meant it as a compliment. But I felt a sense of shame I couldn’t explain or grab on to.
This moment illustrates a belief I’ve held deep down for a long time – being nice is a character flaw.
It never sounds like a compliment to me.
That’s because it isn’t.
I’ve talked and written a lot about being a good girl because I was one (often am one) and it led to an unhealthy image of myself as I related to God and the world around me.
But here I am, almost 39, and my good girl tendencies have healed in many ways.
What’s left behind, I hope, is Jesus and a more true version of myself.
Because I’m learning, however slowly, the difference between being nice and being kind. And the difference is stark.
“Niceness may be pleasant, but it lacks conviction. It has no soul. Niceness trims its sails to prevailing cultural winds and wanders aimlessly, standing for nothing and thereby falling for everything.” – Barry H. Corey, Love Kindness
Niceness comes from a place of fear.
Kindness comes from a place of love.
I am guilty of being nice and calling it kindness. That’s because I haven’t known the difference.
I’ve been reading Love Kindness: Discover the Power of a Forgotten Christian Virtue by Barry H. Corey and I feel like I finally have the vocabulary I’ve searched for. Because for years I’ve wrestled with the difference between being nice and being kind and this book has helped bring that difference into focus for me.
“The way of kindness is not cosmetic. It is from the soul. It’s not performance. It’s purpose. It’s not mechanics. It’s motive. It’s not pretense. It’s candor.” – Barry H. Corey, Love Kindness
Here was the eye opener for me:
If you have hard edges and firm center, that’s called aggression.
If you have soft edges and spongey center, that’s called niceness.
The way of kindness is this:
“Rather than the harshness of firm centers and hard edges, and rather than the weakness of spongy centers and soft edges, why don’t we start with kindness? Kindness is the way of firm centers and soft edges . . . It’s time for followers of Jesus to rediscover the power of kindness.”
– Barry H. Corey, Love Kindness
Being kind takes courage I haven’t fully understood until now.
In the current cultural climate, it can be easy to forgo kindness and pick up a way that is either too hard or too soft.
For some, anger leads to aggression – hard edge, hard center.
For others, fear leads to niceness – soft edge, soft center.
I’m learning what it really means to be kind and I hope I’m coming up fierce because of it – soft edge, hard center.
It means being approachable, listening with intention, seeking service rather than power.
It means being willing to lock arms with people with whom we disagree for the sake of love without compromising our convictions or feeling responsible to change their minds.
It means a warm meal, a soft word, a high five, an offer to help, and an unwavering willingness to be rejected.
Sometimes it means listening before we speak and other times it means speaking up with confidence and facing the consequences, however uncomfortable they might be.
It always means being aware of the presence of Jesus in every moment.
Because the kindness of Jesus is never weakness or aggression. His kindness is not driven by fear, only love.
I’m learning what that means for me as a woman, as a mother, as a citizen of the United States, and as a human in the world.
He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God. – Micah 6:8, ESV
I’m honored to share this sponsored post in glad partnership with Tyndale House. This book has brought clarity for me in areas where I’ve often only seen fog. For that I am grateful.
Susan Shipe says
March 31, 2016 at 11:41 AM“Kindness comes from a place of love.” Whew…now that is truth. Once this was written down for me to see the diff between nice and kind? A light bulb went off. Good stuff.
Bonnie says
March 31, 2016 at 11:47 AMOh, Emily! I think I’ve been NICE all these years instead of KIND…not sure I really understood there was a difference. 🙁 You have given me much to think about.
Linda Carlblom says
March 31, 2016 at 11:52 AMOh, Emily! This is perfect. I love the description of kindness, firm center, soft edges. I’ve got to get this book. Thank so much.
Kelli McKnight says
March 31, 2016 at 12:04 PMOh Emily. This post is an example of why chatting at the sky is one of my favorites places to land. Many of my favorite books recently have been on your recommendation and I’ll certainly be adding this one to the list. I feel like you process words in familiar ways to me and I appreciate deeply the way you articulate that processing. Beautifully written today and I’ll be chewing on your words for days to come.
Helen says
March 31, 2016 at 12:08 PMThanks for sharing. I too have been told that I’m nice and it never quite sits well with me. I have to read this book!
Libby says
March 31, 2016 at 12:12 PMEmily,
This post resonates so much for me and brought clarity on so many things. I have always been known as the “nice one” and now see the beauty of it but also the courage to love kindness and be that firm center, soft edges, you brought to light.
Thank you for that! I have to get this book! 🙂
Margaret says
March 31, 2016 at 12:18 PMThanks for sharing these insights. Your post reminds me of a book I recently read, No More Christian Nice Girl, which contrasts being “nice” with being “good” (in the sense of doing what God wants us to do, not whatever is least offensive to others).
Sarah says
March 31, 2016 at 12:20 PMReminds me a quote from the recent Cinderella movie where Ella’s mother tells her, “I have to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trials that life can offer. Have courage and be kind.” Adding this book to my reading list!
Christine says
March 31, 2016 at 12:21 PMEmily, Thank you for making this distinction…sometimes it is hard to discern the difference though. Sometimes silence is kind. Sometimes silence is cowardly. Sometimes when I speak truth in love…gently…it still offends, or is simply discounted as “my opinion”. I find it very difficult to communicate in these times…struggling sometimes to find the words that perhaps will convey my meaning to another in such a way that I will be understood, or at least heard. I wonder if others experience this? Lately I find myself discouraged to the point of just withdrawing. It is as if I am speaking a foreign language, and I think, what’s the use of trying.
In conversing with a family member yesterday, I was told my words were “silly”.
In His love,
Christine
Morag says
April 1, 2016 at 11:52 AMIf people are offended or you are dismissed as “silly” or “that’s just your opinion” when you are speaking gently, the other person is not able/willing to receive your words, and I would suggest they are not a healthy (potentially toxic) person, and this is not a relationship to invest heavily in. [This is true even if they are part of your family]
Susan says
March 31, 2016 at 12:30 PMEmily,
This post is so helpful to me. I strive to be kind, but sometimes it is so hard. This has given me much to think about. Last week I wrote a post on my blog about kids books about kindness picture books, because I think it’s so important from pre-school and on to teach kids about how their actions can affect others and how those actions should come from kindness. Of course the best way for us to teach our children is to model something, and your post will help me as I strive to model kindness. Thank you, Emily!
Joy Martin says
March 31, 2016 at 1:10 PMSo I have to say …this helped make sense of some feelings I’ve been having as well! A friend recently said to me, “Everybody likes you!” and for me, it didn’t feel like a compliment — more like a “I’m a compliant, people-pleaser-something-or-other” 🙂 . Needed insight and I’m still “pondering” your words–and thanks! Your words help …and are more than just nice …they are kind 😉
Kathy White says
March 31, 2016 at 1:15 PMI love this!
Leslie says
March 31, 2016 at 1:30 PMI heard once to be (as a mother) a velvet-covered brick. Soft but firm, approachable but with boundaries. This is now my next book read. Thank you. Also, your words. You give such an incredible gift with them. Thank you.
Jessica C says
March 31, 2016 at 1:42 PMWonderful post! Thank you for helping me wrap my mind around why I always felt like the “You’re so nice” comment came with a side of shame and (sometimes…most times) a desire to prove that I wasn’t.
I love the thought of a “firm center and soft edges” — I need to pick up this book! Thanks for sharing!
Fuzzytop says
March 31, 2016 at 2:28 PMHi Emily!
I loved the descriptions of aggressive, nice, and kind. I want to be kind, but far too often I find myself being nice or aggressive. Lots to think about in this post.
Adrienne
K Ann says
March 31, 2016 at 3:27 PMThanks for sharing this truth about the subtle differences between being “nice” or “kind”. I had never thought of this before my sister mentioned it several years ago. I think the average person see’s them as the same, but you’re correct in noting the difference.
I have always been known for being “nice”, too, so I understand some of what you were feeling. Being “nice” was always credited to ME, so it made me feel guilty, as I had trouble pointing people to the Lord. And being kind sometimes takes courage and can be misunderstood when it’s demonstrate in “tough love”.
Blessings on us all as we discover and are willing to become truly kind women.
Lindsey says
March 31, 2016 at 3:45 PM“Firm center and soft edges.” That is brilliant! What a helpful image, and one I will be carrying around with me for quite a while. Adding this book to my Amazon wish list right now!
Thanks, Emily!
Beth williams says
March 31, 2016 at 5:01 PMEmily,
I, too, was a “nice” girl. Grew up very shy due to hearing loss. Thus I was nice to everyone as I wanted to please them all! Now that I’ve matured I sense that I am a mixture of kindness and niceness. I do things out of love for Jesus and my fellow man!
Blessings 🙂
Erin Etheridge says
March 31, 2016 at 7:45 PMDang, Judy! I’ve gotta read this book. These are the kinds of things that people need to be talking about. Thanks for sharing, Emily.
S says
March 31, 2016 at 9:23 PMI go to Biola University, where Barry Corey is president. Never though I would see the blog world and my school world collide, but this was a fun surprise 🙂
Dee says
March 31, 2016 at 11:07 PMWow. What’s the world coming to? So now it’s an insult when someone thinks you’re nice? Being nice will always be a good thing, and a compliment, in my book.
Kelly Greer says
March 31, 2016 at 11:12 PMEmily thank you for this! I need this book. Nothing rings truer to me than what I just read. For some of us, like me, called to stand for truth in the midst of open-minded soothsayers, I need to practice properly conveying the lovingkindness I have in my heart because God saved me with his lovingkindness. Niceness is not my problem. A sense of urgency is mine. And my passion for truth. I am heading over to purchase this one!
Bekah Pogue says
March 31, 2016 at 11:15 PMEmily! I love this! Such truth wrapped in such gentle perspective. I often feel this way about the phrase, “You’re so sweet.” Gag. I want to be strong and confident and gentle and … kind. You nailed it. Thank you.
Rachel says
April 1, 2016 at 1:35 AMThank you! I could resonate with this post. I’ve always hated when I’m labeled “nice” and have never been able to quite figure out why it felt so bad. Thank you for bringing more sense to it all!
Jessica says
April 1, 2016 at 11:13 AMI feel like this is so fundamental, and I just now understand it!! Thanks for this. As someone who frequently gets told she’s “nice,” I want to make sure I have a solid grasp on kind. I can’t wait to read the book!
Ginger Harrington says
April 1, 2016 at 2:04 PMI’ve never really thought about the difference between niceness and kindness. This makes a lot of sense. Sounds like a book well worth reading.
Alyce says
April 2, 2016 at 12:01 AMSo happy I found this! 🙂
This blog must have been retweeted or shared. I read it early in the course of my work day and it impressed me so much I couldn’t wait to tell my daughter about it and share it with her, and then for the life of me I couldn’t find it anywhere! Thank you!
laura Morris says
April 2, 2016 at 6:44 AMI love this – I so want to be kind . God is working on my inside and outside so I can be kind , I cant really express my feelings but I think I need to read this book!
Christine says
April 7, 2016 at 6:26 PMOh my goodness. You’ve just communicated what I’ve felt in my life for so long. In high school, college and beyond, I was always seen as the nice girl that everyone liked. And like you said, I felt a sense of shame for it. Wow, I’ve never been able to pinpoint that feeling until reading this, and why I felt it. Because I knew that living that way wasn’t a true way of living, and it wasn’t courageous. I didn’t have a firm center and I was scared to have convictions. On the flip side, I’ve felt so many days that I’m meaner now, which is crazy to say, because it’s not actually meanness, it’s firmness. And that’s such a new thing for me that I don’t know what to do with it sometimes. I need to read this book! Thank you for sharing!
Beverly says
April 11, 2016 at 9:38 AMI haven’t read this book yet, but your blog post and the many comments to it made me think about choosing MY words carefully, too. I want to remember to use the appropriate word in my daily encounters. We have to take the time to really know whether “nice” or “kind” is the right fit. I love it when I read something and it really engages my mind to consider how much influence our words carry. Thank you for your insights (and the book recommendation).