My interview was over and I stood behind the camera while my new friend finished hers. We had only just met but we had a lot in common as we both had just published our first books.
In the relief of making it through my first interview on live TV, I only half-heard the beginning of a conversation happening near me. But something in the producers’ excited tone sparked my interest.
“We’ll want to keep our eye on her,” one said to the other, “she’s going to do big things.”
For half a second, I wondered who they were talking about. Glancing to my left without being too obvious, I saw their gaze fixed on the stage where the current interview was happening. They were talking about my new friend.
It was an innocent eavesdrop, but overhearing that one line poked at something that had already been curled up at home on the floor of my soul, a belief I’ve lived with since I was young.
I am missing something vital that I need for success, acceptance, and belonging.
This other author and I were at about the same point in our career, about the same age and life stage, but somehow they saw something in her that they didn’t see in me.
She was going to do big things.
And if you can believe it, overhearing those producers say those words did not feel like a big deal at the time. I honestly don’t remember it having an impact on the rest of my day or my experience at the studio.
It was so normal for me to believe I was missing something that when someone made a comment that seemed to confirm it, I didn’t question it or perseverate over it.
I just casually and quietly agreed with the implications of their statement and moved on with the next thing.
That’s why deception works so well, why we can walk around our whole lives believing certain things about ourselves. The lies sing harmony with our own insecurities, weaving a song of defeat and discouragement that becomes our own personal soundtrack.
That one line they said about her – she’s going to do big things – slipped quietly into my soul, another piece of evidence I would pull out whenever my core fear was poked awake again.
***
The word power feels strange on my lips.
It’s oddly shaped, not particularly attractive to hear, heavy, and unfamiliar. It makes me think of cartoon villains and large groups of men wearing expensive suits.
I don’t talk about power or think about power or wrestle power to the ground.
But I do think about influence.
Connection.
Control.
Attention.
Respect.
Credit.
These words are more my kin.
But power? Please. That’s not my word.
You know what’s easy to talk about?
The abuse of power I see in the world, the unequal division of power, and the power-plays in politics.
You know what I don’t want to talk about?
All the ways the desire for power has seeped into my own soul.
Because even though I wouldn’t naturally use that word power to describe what I most long for, I’m learning how my desire for influence, connection, control, attention, respect and credit are, at their gritty core, a desire for power.
That’s how power plays.
“In my early years of ministry I was convinced that my quest for power was merely a fervent commitment to the important work of the kingdom. My grandiose fantasy of success was excused as an embrace of God’s big plan for my life. I had big dreams because I had ‘bold faith.’
My emphasis on building a strong resume and winning the approval of others was about making the most of my talents and abilities for God’s glory.”
– Jamin Goggin, The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lamb
We all have these core fears that live inside us. And when they’re poked awake, our first inclination is to reach for some form of power to soothe the pain.
Reach for the power of Christ, the pain will be eased, the need met. Because Christ offers us himself which is what we most deeply long for.
But the power of Christ is only made available through weakness and that’s not usually my first choice.
Instead, I tend to reach for the false remedies first.
The problem is, the false remedy is often dressed in Christian clothes, like the bootstraps of self-sufficiency and the warm promise of success cloaked in cherry-picked verses.
That the way of weakness could ever lead to freedom from my core fear seems ridiculous at best. And yet, this is what Jesus says, that his grace is sufficient. And that his power is made perfect in weakness.
His power.
Not mine.
All of my writing life, I’ve been circling around this issue of self-sufficiency, how natural it feels to cling to a try-hard version of the gospel, to depend on my own ability, skill, and intellect in order to get my needs met.
And when that doesn’t work, how quickly shame is to follow up, a faithful wingman to failure.
I’ve been forced to confront more times than I can count all the ways I’ve despised my own littleness, all the ways I’ve wanted to be special, forgetting over and over again that my identity is not earned but given.
***
This morning I threw out my back. That’s something people say, right?
When you’re drying your hair and you move a normal way but for some reason your body rebels against you as if this one little movement you just made is NOT NORMAL so it freaks out and punishes you by tightening up and not letting you walk like a normal person?
Well that happened this morning and I have exactly one hundred and eighty seven thousand things to do today.
But as I lay here on my living room floor to finish this post, I’m oddly settled. This back pain, for now, is a reminder of my weakness. I wouldn’t wish for it or ask for it and I’ll be glad when it’s gone. But Jesus is with me, even in this.
He offers his way of power to me in the midst of my weakness, an offer the world would never make.
The world says, You’re weak? Pass.
Jesus says, You’re weak? Come. Lean on me. Press in to me. Let’s do this together.
“The valley will always be in the shadow of the mountains. The mountains, with their dramatic peaks and pillars to the clouds, will always appear more special to the world around you.
Becoming a valley is truly humbling. And yet this is the place where the rain soaks deep and fruit is truly produced. The valley is the place of life. It is the place of kingdom power.”
–The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lamb
I’ve been reading a book called The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lamb: Searching for Jesus Path of Power in a Church That Has Abandoned It by Jamin Goggin and Kyle Strobel.
Can I recommend this book highly enough?
I don’t think I can.
If you want help to discern how the two paths of power – the way of the world or the way of Jesus – present themselves to you in your own life, I hope you’ll consider this book. It’s having a profound impact on me and I’m so grateful for Kyle and Jamin’s commitment to pull this hard conversation out into the light.
Sharon says
January 24, 2017 at 2:10 PMEmily,
Perfectly said. There’s so many of us that feel exactly like that. Thank you.
Amy Ivey says
January 24, 2017 at 2:14 PMEmily–Thank you for sharing. Your words went deep. Great processing and beautiful insight. SO good. Way to surrender to the lesson pain brought you—in both situations. Sending you a hug across the country and praying for your back to heal. ((❤))
Dawn says
January 24, 2017 at 2:29 PMI’m thrilled to see you endorse this book! Jamin Goggin is my Pastor….the Associate Pastor at Mission Hills Church in San Marcos, CA ….and I’m very much looking forward to reading his recently published book. I really enjoyed his first book, Beloved Dust, also co-authored by Kyle Strobble. Jamin is a wonderful teacher of the WORD and his desire to help others be spiritually formed in the image of God is simply beautiful. Thanks for promoting it! BTW, I have never commented on your site, but this made me finally do it. I have read many of the books you have recommended over the past several years, so thanks for that too. Peace and Joy to you today.
emily p freeman says
January 24, 2017 at 3:04 PMOh fun! Great to hear from you Dawn. John and I spent a week with Jamin in Italy this summer with a group of writers – his leadership and kindness left a profound impact. What a gift to have him as your pastor!
Lori says
January 24, 2017 at 2:35 PMUm, yeah. Such good stuff. I cannot really put into words what my heart did when I read your words about the tv interview. I felt it for you; for myself. And immediately, Jesus grabs hold of my heart very tightly, securely.
I hate how the enemy stirs up junk with lies, but I LOVE how The Holy One replaces the lies with TRUTH. A prayer I have learned to pray a lot is , “give me Your Truth” particularly within the church. This is one I must read. Having been in church since 6 years of age and seeing an absurd amount of abuse of “power”, I sometimes have difficulty loving the church. I have never left, never will, but I have to often dig deep to embrace it. I want to love it, I do. And I didn’t even realize this was an issue brewing so deeply in my soul until this very moment. ? Ok, Lord, show me Your Truth!
Thanks Emily. ❤
Veronica says
January 24, 2017 at 3:33 PMLori, your comment connected. I have felt this too. I have never left, never will, but I too often have to dig deep to embrace it. I appreciate your honesty because it’s felt, but as Christians we don’t always want to talk about it. Thank you.
Rachel Shannon says
January 24, 2017 at 7:03 PMHere, here. I feel so tired from that deep digging…..reassuring to know I’m not the only one.
Lori says
January 25, 2017 at 2:25 PMAnd thank you, Rachel, as well. I agree, it is very tiring. But look, God brought at least the three of us to hold each other up. He’s so so good to us. ❤
Lori says
January 25, 2017 at 2:24 PMThank you for reaching out, we can pray for each other. ❤
Maria says
January 24, 2017 at 2:53 PMYes and there are more ways than we realize that make us feel weak that we don’t recognize as things meant to have us embrace our weakness. One of the biggest is that we struggle at times to even provide for ourselves and I’m starting to realize that this is really God telling me to look to Him for the most basic need for power!! Hard to embrace! But necessary in order to go forward with Him!
Jackie says
January 24, 2017 at 2:53 PM“Jesus says, You’re weak? Come. Lean on me. Press in to me. Let’s do this together.”. Beautiful words that calm my mind and stir my heart. Thanks for reminding me of the grace I need and have for each day!
Amanda says
January 24, 2017 at 3:15 PMEmily,
I’m here, in my car, taking some time out for me, some quiet space in my day because it started early and has been non-stop…and I decide to check my personal emails, and there’s this. Perfect words for the situations that have me crying daily, that threaten to steal my joy if I let them. I don’t even have the right words to offer to tell someone how this resonates with me in this season right now. All I can say is thank you for writing them and thank God for his perfect timing.
emily p freeman says
January 24, 2017 at 3:18 PMBeautiful. I think you did a fine job communicating what this post meant to you. Thank you for taking a moment to do that. It’s good to remember we aren’t alone, isn’t it?
Paula says
January 24, 2017 at 3:46 PMIt is interesting to me that you struggle with the same things as me. Whenever I read your words, I always feel enlightened and blessed. To me, your words come from the Holy Spirit and the work He is doing in your life. Please don’t ever underestimate the Jesus Power that you are spreading in the world! What a gift it is.
Steph says
January 24, 2017 at 3:49 PMThank you for posting. After being ill Monday (my day off of work each week in which I attempt to accomplish every household chore!) this morning I found myself ill-tempered, frustrated with the pile of things left undone. Thank you for reminding me of Jesus’ voice calling me to trust in Him.
Veronica says
January 24, 2017 at 3:51 PMEmily, your comment about being oddly settled as you lay on your back writing this post was welcome. I feel it when I garden and plant flowers, or even just hanging out on the floor feels different. Maybe because being low to the ground gently reminds me of Christ’s way. I want to say “praying He heals your back soon”, but thinking that this weakness is God’s way of speaking to you kindly today.
Beth says
January 24, 2017 at 3:57 PMJust out of curiosity, where is the other author now? And have the producers realized yet that they needed to keep their eyes on you, too? 🙂 Thanks for all that you have done and are doing!
emily p freeman says
February 3, 2017 at 9:38 AMHa! Well they were right about her. She is doing beautiful, amazing, influential work in the world.
Liz says
January 24, 2017 at 4:00 PMThank you Emily, as always. …Humility. Weakness. My family are experiencing these in fresh ways as we just moved to a new city, suburb, school. Being the new ones makes you small. Suddenly you have lots of questions and you are not sure who to ask or even what to ask. It’s all -so- different. Thank you Jesus that you know all about humble and all about small and you are with us.
Melissa May says
January 24, 2017 at 4:11 PMI hope I remember to keep thinking about this post. Such good stuff here. Your words about the word Power made me think of how even our desire for Control (that we may try to deny but more readily admit) is another grasp for Power. We don’t like feeling out of control because when we feel out of control it leads to feeling powerless. Power really is a big issue.
Also, about the mountains and valleys… Wow. I was just gazing in awe at the mountains this morning (that I can’t usually see so clearly but can right now because of the clear air after days of rain). I live in the richest agricultural valley in the world. Really. (The San Joaquin Valley in California.) The surrounding mountains for us are an escape and a blessed retreat, a place to go play in the snow or escape the heat of Summer. But the valley is the place of work and fruitfulness, even when it’s blazing hot in the summer. : )
Like I said… Much to keep thinking about!
Thanks.
Jana Snyder says
January 24, 2017 at 4:40 PMIt must be going around… Yesterday, I wrote about His power perfected in my weakness, too.
Just edited my post to include this quote from yours:
“The world says, You’re weak? Pass.
“Jesus says, You’re weak? Come. Lean on me… Let’s do this together.”
So good! I appreciate the way you think about things.
Bre says
January 24, 2017 at 4:43 PMEmily,
Thank you for your thoughtful reflection! This piece helped me put to words a struggle I am finding in my own heart. I never connected it back to power though. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and care with all of your posts! They are so grateful appreciated.
Darlene says
January 24, 2017 at 5:36 PMAs an artist/writer and former worship leader, I have struggled with this tug within me for demonstrating my ‘”success” to the world in what I do, rather than as who I am. Who I am is a Christ follower and the world has little respect for me. Fear of ridicule, of speaking out truth against a world culture racing in the opposite direction can keep me silent, yet complaining in my heart.
Your words remind me once again that we are the strongest of people on earth when we surrender our weaknesses to Jesus. He reminds me daily that I am more blessed and more successful than the richest on earth who are desperately alone without Him.
Thanks for sharing the book – I feel compelled to read it and be transformed. Thanks for your words that enriched me today!
Kim says
January 24, 2017 at 6:19 PMThank you, Emily! I keep coming up against the very same issues…. it’s comforting to know we’re not alone! (like you just said to Amanda a few hours ago 🙂
Linda Chontos says
January 24, 2017 at 7:00 PMI hope it isn’t thoroughly discouraging to say that at the ripe old age of 70 I still struggle with all these things. Always, always I am learning the lesson of weakness and His strength. Always, always struggling to let go and leave the results (once I’ve been obedient) to Him. I just published my book – and again I’m learning. When I trust Him in my weakness, I find rest.
Dea says
January 24, 2017 at 9:03 PMI started the same book today and it fell right into the “next step” place in the journey God has me on at present. I wrote a prayer in the notes on my phone inspired by the book that began “O Lord, make me a valley…” I then swallowed hard and wondered if I was willing to live the answer to that prayer. As I pondered, I remembered being in the Swiss Alps last summer. I hiked a valley hung low with clouds. It was a drippy day and we could not see the peaks around us. The Gastern Valley was lush with wildflowers and the air bounced with ions from dozens of waterfalls. It had promised to be a disappointing hike because of the weather, but now when I think of it, I have never felt more alive. O Lord, make me a valley… We have such power…to hurt or to heal. Let’s be healers…
Christen says
January 24, 2017 at 9:35 PMThank you for being so honest about these insecurities and dark desires. I feel them in myself, and it’s comforting, in a way, to know that others do too. I appreciate how you’ve articulated some things that I feel deeply but have struggled to express.
Abi says
January 25, 2017 at 2:48 AMLately Emily, you seem to be speaking directly to my soul. Visiting this post for the third time because I needed to read your words again. I know this, I feel this in me and feel challenged and stumped because I don’t want this to be me and how to move forward?But I read again, always with Jesus, in him.
And I need to read this book!
Katie says
January 25, 2017 at 9:49 AMThank you for this, Emily. Was just facing fears last night and this morning that maybe all I really want in life is for other people to see, appreciate, and adore me. What a nauseating reality, and a crippling one. Thank you for the reminder that Jesus will meet me especially in the depths of my depravity, showing His strength even through this darkest weakness. May He make His face to shine upon you today. xoxo
Yvette says
January 25, 2017 at 1:37 PMThought provoking because it’s my truth too. Sometimes it is just an unconscious acceptance of belittling. My goals this year are simplicity, security and abundance. Tall order but they all are already present when I surrender my will to Jesus and listen and breathe.
I will read your recommended book with an open heart and mind.
Thank you for the recommendation and the reflection.
Beth Weikel says
January 26, 2017 at 9:29 PMHey Emily,
Your post is on the heels of watching this sermon on the Humble Way of Jesus (Nate Stratman – Hope Community, Wilmington, NC) https://youtu.be/kQT1IZsvOt4 When God keeps bringing something to the forefront it’s my cue to slow down and listen. Thanks for being a vessel. I so appreciate your insights. Will look forward to adding this book to my must reads!
Peace,
Beth
Rosanna says
January 26, 2017 at 11:13 PMOh Emily, I feel like you wrote this post about me! I have heard comments about other people all the time and just assume it would never happen to me. That success isn’t ever going to happen to me. The question I’ve been asking myself, lately, “is the need for success really so important?” The answer that I think is coming that it doesn’t. I’ve been struggling with extreme loneliness this January. Yet in my weakest moments, Jesus is strong.
Jordan Harrell says
January 28, 2017 at 11:50 AMI have so many examples of this playing out in my life. Feeling hurt by failed comparisons and wondering what it is about me that makes me less than. And then as a writer, letting all these comments snowball into “11,938 reasons I should stop writing.” I’m so thankful I read this this morning… my purpose in writing is not to gain influence or find power in my words, but to find power in Christ’s words and be willing to humbly share that.