I could also title this post When You Have An Idea For Something And It Turns Into A Big Decision You Need To Make And No One Can Make It For You And You Aren’t Sure If You Even Need To Make It Exactly And You Wish Someone Would Just Come Over And Tell You What To Do And Make You Cookies.
But that felt like an obnoxious choice. So we’ll go with this one.
About a year ago, I drove a few miles down the road to my college Alma mater, walked into the admissions building, and took a long, deep breath.
It smelled like initiative, angst, and Y2K.
I walked up to the open desk in the center of the building, the kind Ron Swanson’s nightmares are made of, and requested a copy of my transcript.
They gave it to me, I’m happy to report, but only after I paid a way-too-long-overdue parking ticket.
And then in late December of last year (that’s 2016 – yes it’s taken me this long to talk publicly about it) I applied and was accepted into a graduate program without much fanfare.
I even forgot to tell John that I got the acceptance letter until the next day.
I shared this news with my letter readers several months ago and their kind response gave me the courage to share it here.
One normal question people ask when they find out I enrolled in grad school is ooo, why?!
It’s a normal question, one I would ask you, too, if you told me the same thing.
Why are you going back to school?
And this, my friend, is the question that kept me up at night for weeks before I made my decision.
Why would I want to do this?! I have a job, a family, a full life already. What is the actual point?!
It’s the question that begged for an answer while I tried to decide what to do next.
I didn’t have a clear plan with bullet points, a job I wanted to get that required this degree, or even the cultural expectation you have when you decide to go to college the first time because “that’s just what you do.”
At my age, going to school again is not just what you do. Unless you have a specific reason, requirement, or end game.
I talked with my spiritual director about this back when I was still in the deciding phase and she said something I haven’t forgotten (which she does every single time I’m with her.)
“Our Western minds are trained to go down the path of explaining. We think if we can understand it, then we can control it.”
It’s true, don’t you think?
I am conditioned to believe the only reason we should do things is if we know exactly why, where we are headed, and for what purpose.
No wonder we have trouble making decisions.
If we don’t have clear answers or sure-things, then taking a big step like this feels like a risk at best, a wasteful mistake at worst.
If I understand it, then I can control it.
This is what I know: I feel a call to the deeper life with Jesus and with people, in my personal life and my ministry life and my business life.
I’m not choosing a degree path because I feel like something is missing, but because finally, I can see the whole.
And what my wholeheartedness has been telling me over the past few years is that I want to learn more about spiritual formation, I want to become more fully myself, and I want to do it alongside a community of people who want that, too.
As of now, I’ve finished my first class and my second one officially ends in two weeks. It has already been life-changing.
In a little less than two years from now, I’ll have my Masters in Spiritual Formation and Leadership.
I don’t call it going back to school. You can, that’s fine. But I just don’t.
Going back sounds like I missed something the first time around, so I have to go back and find my way again.
Instead, I think of it as going forward.
I’m going forward to school and it feels just right.
But, of course, there are things to learn and the curve is steep, not the least of which include my actual school work. I’m learning how to talk about this decision with people. I’m learning how to prioritize my time all over again. I’m learning how to walk with Jesus and discern my literal next step.
I’ve been keeping this one close to my heart for the past year but it felt like time to share it in this space. When you write on a blog for nearly 12 years, stuff eventually finds its way here. It’s only natural.
Things are shifting in me and not a lot has landed yet. But this degree program is the next right thing for me for some reasons I know and some that I don’t.
If I am super honest?
One reason I’ve kept this quiet is because it feels sacred, in a way. I couldn’t bear to be part of the “women going to seminary/grad school as they get older” conversation that seems to be happening in places on the Internet.
I just want to take my next right step with Jesus and not have it be click-bait.
So there you have it. I’m figuring out how to do my job and be a mom and love John and serve at church and host a podcast and brainstorm my next book and go to school at the same time.
It’s a challenge and a lot but I have to tell you that I love it. I’ve cried and stayed up too late and gotten up way early and I’m figuring it out.
One immediate result of this should-I-or-shouldn’t-I decision making process is the podcast I started.
Because I was so worked up about making a wrong decision that it nearly paralyzed me from being able to make any decision at all.
So I started to write about that and it turned into a podcast for the second-guessers, the chronically hesitant, and anyone who suffers from decision fatigue.
I have released an episode every Tuesday for the last three months, but I’ve hardly written a blog post in that time.
It’s the perfect example of how our yeses come with some automatic nos.
So I’m falling in love with new things, with saying my words to you rather than writing them for a while.
This isn’t an announcement that I’m not writing anymore. I will always be writing.
Instead, this is a note to let you in on some things happening beneath the surface.
All of that, I trust, will make the writing better in time.
Meanwhile, my Mondays have looked exactly the same for the past three months: get the kids to school, head to my office, draft an episode of The Next Right Thing, record it, edit it, prepare it for posting on Tuesdays, the end.
It’s become a kind of liturgy for me, something I do with my whole body, in a way.
When I talk into the microphone, I actually feel like I’m talking to you. I move my hands way too much and have to edit out lots of extra sound because of all that movement.
But I love it, I just love it. And so I’m trying this, for now.
We’ll see what might be next.
I tell you all this because I want you to be in on it. I also tell you on the off chance you have a thing you’re carrying, too.
Maybe it’s something you’re thinking about pursuing, starting, making, finishing, or traveling to. But you don’t see the clear path, the end game, or the five year plan.
Is there something you need to go forward to, too?
Is there a path you’ve had your eye on but just aren’t quite sure?
Be gentle with yourself.
Get still.
Stop talking.
Pause the constant questioning of everyone else’s opinion.
Now hold that thing, whatever it is, in your mind.
Pay attention to your body and your soul – does it rise or does it fall?
Here’s something I do before every hard decision and this practice has often been a lantern on a dark path for me.
May it be so for you as well.
If you receive my monthly letter, you’ve already known about this new development in my life for months now and I want to thank you again for your kind response when I shared this with you. I always share news with my letter friends first. Want to get on that list? Just add your name right here.
LOVE this and so very timely for me. So many “amen’s” in this. Thank you for sharing. I’m not a big podcast person (my mind wanders) but may tune in soon. Thanks again.
well the good news is, my episodes are super short (less than 15 mins) – maybe that will help 🙂
I checked one out right after I wrote that and was happy to see the short length. I keep feeling like I need to be a podcast person because it is all the rage but I’m a visual one. Will tune in soon…
Emily, love your short episodes!! It’s the perfect message to hear while getting dressed, which inspires me for the day.
My 88 year old mother is in the processes of moving in with us….I think…maybe…not really sure. Everytime I go back to her house to pick up mail or anything I find I’m horribly paralyzed in making decisions on what needs to come and what needs to stay. And even though I have been reading your stuff for ever so long I just now realized how stuck I am. 😕
Emily, your words today touched my heart. In January 2016 I started grad school, almost 26 years after getting my bachelors for many of the same reasons you stated. I too only shared with a few people until I graduated. I swore I’d never go back to school, but God had other plans. In August 2017 I graduated with a Master of Arts in Global Studies. I work full-time outside the home, have ministry responsibilities, along with a husband and 3 kids. I took classes straight through to finish earlier and I must say it was tough but so worth it. I could not have done it without the prayers and support of my little circle, especially my husband. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much for these words. I needed this RIGHT NOW. It’s so good to hear that’s it’s ok to go forward down a path just because it feels right without understanding all the whys and reasons. Your message is a breath of fresh air.
At the risk of being a ‘part of the women going to seminary/grad school as they get older conversation,’ I headed off to finish my B.A. and then get my masters in Christian counseling when I was about 40.
It was a huge leap of faith ’cause I didn’t know where I was going to do my graduate work, for there was nothing in commuting distance.
But God.
I ended up commuting a few summers and random weeks for two few years. Hundreds of miles each way.
And it was worth every bit of energy spent to say ‘oh Y E S!’ to God’s call to ministry.
I’ve never looked back.
Enjoy every second, Emily! For sure, we need more spiritual directors in our lives. I do believe the one who worked with me saved my life.
Literally.
Beautiful!! I love this – and for the record, I’m all about having the conversation, Linda. Just didn’t want to make it a “thing” — if that makes any sense at all! I love what you say about your spiritual director. I agree wholeheartedly.
“Because I was so worked up about making a wrong decision that it nearly paralyzed me from being able to make any decision at all.” This statement took me back to past thoughts about pursuing my education in 2011. So much of it had to do with my fear of the unknown as well as the … then what?! I love everything you have to say here! Thanks for the update. I’m excited for you! Also LOVE the ‘going forward’ statement. I’m going to use that one!
So much wisdom here. Sometimes our life circumstances make choices for us as we move closer to the course that is right. I think that’s why I didn’t start a podcast. It’s hard enough to find time to write! Blessings on your new venture. Trusting for good things!
I went “back to school” at 36 to become a teacher and started teaching at 40. I officially retired last year so I could focus on my writing. Smile.
I am in a decision-making space again after blogging for 6 years, feeling the need to pull back, hunker in and listen more. Thank you for writing this post (just for me).
And kudos to infinity and beyond for listening to that still small voice. So exciting, Emily.
Listening to your podcasts has become a weekly high point that I look forward to continuing. Hopefully you’ll keep them coming! They’re very uplifting and real. I love how the preparation shows throughout and the stories lead to truths for everyone.
Me too. I love listening to your podcasts. My journey took a different and deeper direction with last years “Create and Complete” workshop. I am studying and learning but not in a graduate program. I am reading and processing, taking notes and reflect without ever getting an official masters degree. But that’s ok for me right now. I don’t have the possibility to get in-rolled at University right now. I would like to have a spiritual like-minded community and director. But honestly, I am finding it right here with you, Emily and friends. This is amazing to me how the Internet makes it possible. (:
But…. cookies… 😂
Thanks Emily for a reread. I have lots of decisions to make but you are a kind voice to help with navigation.
Ditto.
Big next steps have made me feel like a liar lately (I mean who do I think I am?) so I’ve been stomping louder in response.
Today I just shook the ground in central Indiana by announcing to all my people that I’m hosting a retreat in March. I don’t know what I’m doing but I’ve decided to quit considering outcomes. It’s exciting and slightly unnerving and exactly what God has whispered for me to do. I don’t have to know why or how or what’s next. I have to do this thing and when it’s done the next thing will reveal itself.
Loving the podcast!!!!
I’ve read your blog for years and I’ve always thought you should be a spiritual director. I’d love to know where you are doing your training.
Well thank you for that. Spiritual Formation and Direction feels like the right fit in a mysterious and “welcome home” kind of way.
I’m enrolled in Friends University in Kansas. They have an online offering plus a co-hort model so I go out there a total of 4 times in 18 months.
Loved reading this post, sweet friend. SO very excited for what the Lord is doing in and through you!
Your accessibility to the vulnerable is meeting me smack in the middle of myself. This is a representation of how, I believe, many of us go through life! The energy spent thinking and *planning* what to do next and how to do it can pseudoquench the original desire or calling of the heart! Jesus says to. He is with us. He gives us power and lo He is with us.
And like you said, we let it become a kind of liturgy and we do it with our whole body. This is when it moves us and it just starts happening!
And all the people said amen.
Go forward to school and all the many places you will go!
<3
*Jesus says to go.
Well this was some exciting news! How much do I love the idea of going forward instead of going back to school! Congrats and really, if I think about it, you’ve been living out that kind of education in your real life and sharing it with all of us around you for a long time. Seems like the degree is just a kind of formality to what you’re already living as a life mission. It’s beautiful. Love all of it!
First, your podcast. Love, love, love! Your voice, the music, the content. All so good. I listen over and over. You, my internet friend, have a true gift. Thank you for sharing with us.
Second, to continue grad school would make my mind and body soar! Well, not for a degree in math, but theology? Oh, yes. If but for the money….
Not sure why this happens but almost every time I read your words or listen to you speak words to me, tears begin to flow. Father has used your words countless times to speak to me. I went through an experience last year where I felt I was being lead to have a different position in the education world and everything seemed to be pointing that way. It did not happen and I often find myself asking why. I have gotten mad and angry, yet now I see so many reasons each day why it did not happen. Thank you for your words that have encouraged me through this time. I am so grateful. I am in a season now too where my daughter is hitting the home stretch in her senior year and I feel like my heart is so overwhelmed with all the opportunities this year is putting before her and sad to watch her step out on her own. So now that I have babbled on long enough, thank you for being who Father created you to be.
I graduated with my Ph.D. the year I turned 60. Took me 10 years, included a second Master’s along the way, lots of hard work, missed outings, loss of ‘free’ time, reams and reams of paper and too many printer cartridges to count. And way too many people asking “Why? You’re too oooollllldddd to be going back to school! What are you going to do with a Ph.D.?”
Earning this degree was a journey, with so many wonderful side trips and garden paths to explore along the way. Every day, multiple times a day, something comes up that slots into what I learned and experienced in my program. So much compost added to my soil; such wise mulching. This fig tree bears more fruit, of more use, for more people. It’s never ‘too late’ or ‘foolish’ to learn.
What a great analogy–compost, soil, mulching. This is my plan, too, Judith, to get my Master’s or Ph.D(?) when I’m 60. At that age in my state you can attend for free! 🙂 I’m glad you didn’t listen to the naysayers. 🙂
Emily, thank you so much for sharing this. My friend Deanna sent me the link to your post. She knew I would be encouraged by your words because I am feeling similar thoughts. I shared the link to this post today on my blog http://www.faithhopelovefood.com as I shared my own journey of stepping out in faith to respond in obedience to God’s tug on my heart even if I don’t know where it might lead me. I have always wanted to make a decision and know the end result….that control thing. I love this quote: “Our Western minds are trained to go down the path of explaining. We think if we can understand it, then we can control it.” It really resonated with me. So glad Deanna shared your blog with me. And thank you for sharing your journey to encourage others!
I have gotten behind in reading blogs and listening to podcasts, but today I took time and listened and read some of yours. I am excited for you, even though I do not know you. I am 58 years-old next Tuesday. My first husband left me when I was 40 and I decided to go back and finish my B. A. in writing and literature. It was scary. I was a single mom and I didn’t know how I would manage. There was a college in Burlington, VT, half way across the country from Lee’s Summit, MO. But I was drawn to go. It was an independent degree program, so I went at the beginning of each semester for a weekend and then all the work was done from home. It was perfect. After 6 years of doing what I had always wanted, editing and writing, I felt the Spirit of God drawing me to something totally different, counseling. I so did not want to go back to school. I didn’t believe I was smart enough for a master’s degree. But 2 years later I went. Being a Christian counselor has increased my interest in spiritual formation. I see how desparately people are in need of healthy spiritiual direction. I share all this to say, it is never a wrong time for learning more. Going back to school later in life has been some of my best adventures with the Father. He has used these times to grow me and empower me. May you experience all the rich blessing of these months of learning, changing and growing.
Julie
This is so beautiful, Julie. (I’m in Vermont, too, btw.) I love everything about your story and that you were courageous enough to follow God’s lead even though it must have felt overwhelming and scary to make that change. Love this!
What a wonderful treat of a post, Emily. I sense that you’re an INFJ on the Myers-Briggs personality tool. Am I right?
Love this–not going back to school, but going forward in your life to something else. I look forward to hearing more about your journey (spiritual formation is also a passion of mine, and one I’m learning more about currently), and of course, continuing to follow your writing and podcasting journey. Congratulations to you on your bravery!
Spiritual formation is a great interest of mine as well. I know you’ll love the program! Resonating with your topic today, I remember how many times I’ve been paralyzed in making decisions. Even small ones. And the quote about the inner urge to explain and control…I’ll be chewing on that for a while! Blessings Emily. Your words have been part of my spiritual journey for years now!
So I’ve read this before, but found my way here again… I’m glad you shared this part of your story. I’ve been nurturing a quiet desire to go to grad school for years, but the whole not having a reason or end game holds me back. Well, that and not knowing exactly what I want to study. 🙂
This post is so encouraging as I navigate these questions and figure out the next thing. (So are the podcasts!)