As is becoming our weekly practice, this post is modified from this weeks podcast episode 81: Listen to This Before Graduation. If you want to listen instead, have at it! Meanwhile, this post includes a few affiliate links where books are mentioned. Glad you’re here!
As we quickly approach the end of another school year, the time has come to talk to one specific group of people who may be carrying a lot of question marks. It’s time to talk to our graduates.
A few weeks ago I got an email from a listener named Sharon and she had this question for me:
“My daughter is graduating from high school in a few months, and I have seen her struggle with making after-high-school choices. So many of her peers struggle with this as well. Basically, it seems the only thing people ask a student in grade 12 is ‘What are your plans for the future? What are you doing after high school?’ and that question can be so stressful to a student who doesn’t know what he/she wants to do. How does a student stay chill when they don’t know what to do?“
This is an important question to consider and one I’m perhaps in a unique position to navigate. Not only because I host a podcast and wrote a book about life transitions and making decisions, but also because in a few short weeks, I’ll be graduating as well – not from high school, mind you, but from graduate school.
The life-stage may be different, but the questions, hesitations, and excitements are much the same. I’ll speak both as a mom and as a graduate.
Because it doesn’t matter if you’re 18 and people want to know what college you’re going to, or if you’re 22 and people want to know about your career plans or if you’re 42, (like me) and people want to know why you went to grad school in the first place or finally, if you’re a mom or a dad and you want to give your graduate direction but you also help them navigate the questions on their own.
While I’m sure there are hundreds or even a thousand things that I could say, I’ve chosen just three things to remember as you or a student you love moves into the next stage of life after graduation:
1. Keep a light heart.
Just because people ask a question in a certain way does not obligate you to answer the question they’re asking. Many times people ask me why I went back to school. The truth is, I don’t always answer it directly for two reasons.
One, I honestly don’t have a short, succinct answer for that.
Two, when people ask me they aren’t typically asking for a 3 point answer, they’re just making small talk, being curious, or can’t think of what else to say once they hear I’m in grad school.
If you’re a senior in high school or college, the same thing is true. Most of the time, people are just being people. They ask about the weather, your extra-curricular activity, and school.
When the questions come, there is no wrong answer. Keep a light heart. Assume people are on your side. Decide ahead of time what you want to say because you know that they are going to ask.
Remember “I don’t know” is a valid answer.
Just because you can’t explain it doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
And just because your answer may be different from other people’s answers or from what you thought your answer would be at this stage in your life, well that doesn’t make it wrong either.
Be slow to judge, slow to speak, slow to anger and not just toward others, but especially toward yourself. Keep a light heart and be relentlessly kind to yourself and to the people asking the questions. Let that be your first spiritual practice as you move into your post-graduate life. If you see the question coming, no matter what comes out of your mouth decide ahead of time it’s going to be wrapped in kindness.
2. It’s okay not to have a five-year plan.
Jamie B. Golden, co-host of The Popcast and The Bible Binge said a line about making future plans that I liked so much, I put it on page 223 of The Next Right Thing. What did she say? She said she’s stopped making 5-year plans because “God’s word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path, not my football field.”
We live in a stadium lights culture. But most of our life is lived under the lamplight of the path of everyday life.
That doesn’t change just because we’re graduating.
Yes, this is a big moment. Yes, we’ve come a long way and accomplished much. But we are still called to now, still given only this day, still invited to trust God with our next right thing.
That means we can live our days in confidence even if we can’t see the whole year. And while decisions still have to be made, and choices still need to be chosen, we don’t have to freak out if we still can’t see five years into the future. We wouldn’t be prepared for it anyway.
When it comes to the future, let your ignorance be a blessed gift, not a liability.
3. Your pace is your pace.
This pivotal transition from high school to college or from college into the world is equal parts thrilling and terrifying.
You’re told to dream big and aim high. But is it all a bit too much? Is this the pace your life wants to go?
Do you already feel behind before you’ve barely even started?
Do you lose sleep at night because you didn’t get that internship?
Are you already caught up in the comparison game, running a race that feels impossible to win?
As you move into the world and begin to uncover who you are as a person, a creator, a student, a friend, and maybe an employee, don’t forget who you are in Christ.
No matter how far you travel away from home, you are never alone because Christ has made his home in you.
He’ll keep company with you at a walking pace. He won’t let you miss your own future.
***
That’s three things to remember, but I’m going to give you a bonus one:
Bonus: Pause to look back.
Take a little time before graduation or just after graduation and make a short list of what you’ve learned. Not about history, or systematic theology or the Pythagorean theorem.
Make a list of what you’ve learned about yourself.
What are you bringing forward into the world in this new stage of life? What gifts are we waiting to receive from you?
This will remind you of what your schooling has done for you, how being there has shaped you, and how you’ll be changed moving forward.
And because I never like to invite you to do something I haven’t done myself, I’ll go first.
When people ask me why I want to grad school or what I’ve learned as a result, or what I’m going to do afterward, here are a few things I’ll say.
I’m learning how to walk into a room.
I’m learning that even though my natural tendency is to lean back and blend in, I am often called to lean forward.
I’m learning how to bring peace with me into a chaotic situation.
I’m learning how to sit down on the inside even when I have to stand up on the outside.
I’m learning I can be my full, feminine, creative, authentic self and it’s not a liability, it’s a necessity. A strength. A gift.
I’m learning to access courage to speak up even when it feels unnatural, even when there’s opposition, even when I don’t want to.
I’m learning I can be a leader even when I’m not in charge. In fact, it’s an imperative call.
I’m learning, as my teacher James Bryan Smith says, “the kingdom of God is not in trouble and neither am I.”
Isn’t that root of it? Because as much as we want to be independent and on our own, as much as the high school student might be thrilled the time has almost come for him to finally leave the house, as much as the college student might rejoice at the thought of no more semesters, the truth is when the sun goes down and the house gets quiet, what we really want to know is this: is everything going to be okay?
It’s tempting to think only children have the question, but I’ll let you in on a secret you already know: this is a question we never grow out of. Whether you’re 8, 18, 28 or 80, we all want to feel safe and seen and protected.
Is someone watching over me? The answer in a word is yes.
May we be gentle with ourselves as we get still, stop talking, and pause the constant string of questions happening within and around us. May we remember to keep a light heart, to stop trying to plan so far ahead, and to embrace the pace our life invites us to walk without fear or second-guessing.
May the love of the Father, the power of the Son, and the protection of the Holy Spirit be with you now as you simply do your next right thing in love.
***
All of these insights shared in today’s post are taken in one way or another from the principles listed in The Next Right Thing book. If you are a graduate or know a graduate, male or female, high school, college, or graduate school, this book will make a lovely gift.
Grab a copy or 10 for the graduates in your life and tie it up with a ribbon for a gift that says “I see you and you don’t have to figure out your whole life at once. Just do the next right thing.”
But, of course, it’s not a book just for graduates, it’s for mothers, for workers, for employers, and employees, for anyone facing decisions in their life big or small who want to not only make better decisions but to make their decisions in a better way.
It’s clear I can’t get enough of talking about decision making and about the people we are becoming because of our indecision. I hope you’ll grab a copy either for you or for someone you want to support.
In this season of finishing up, of moving on, of celebrations and endings and new beginnings, I’ll close with a short blessing, first for the graduate then for the parent.
For the graduate, whether you are transitioning from one classroom to another or from classroom to workplace, may you ever be a student of life, of people, and of the world around you.
May your apprehension of the future melt into hope. May you make your choices from a place of truth and confidence, not from the shaky ground of fear. May you not be overwhelmed by too many options or underwhelmed by the lack of them. May you know your Father sees you and He knows what you need.
For the parent of the graduate, though your job is never finished, though you won’t get closure on the work you do or the love you pour out, may you breathe in a deep sigh of relief as you have kept kind company with your child through another year of their life transitions.
As you watch and walk with her, may you be lifted in your spirit as you see her grow, trusting the details of her future to a God you know. May you be one who receives the gifts your Father offers you in secret so that you may turn and offer those gifts to your children – the gift of love, the gift of presence, the gift of hope.
Congratulations to you on all your hard work. To the graduates, the parents, and friends, and spouses of the graduates, I’m right there with you. We are almost there. Way to go.
Thank you so much, once again, Emily. And please DO post at least one photo of your graduation 😉
Emily,
Congratulations on your graduation!
As an FYI, I live in Wichita, an am quite familiar with Friends University. In fact, my daughter-in-law is also graduating from Friends with her Master’s degree in Healthcare Admin the same day!
I have just begun reading “The Next Right Thing,” and am finding it a deep blessing and breath of life to me.
May you find your next right thing to be the same.
As a college English instructor for 25 years(& my first 10 years teaching in high school), now retired, I agree!
Your perspective is genuine, true, encouraging!
I was asked that question on behalf of students often; especially the my work study students in my office- parents asking me to help their child make the decision. Their frustration & helplessness were overwhelming them.
I assured them that the answer would evolve.
It shows up in many ways, but does show up. College is about exploring, being enlightened, learning of course, but the learning about themselves is key & having community to walk it all with whether that be 1 or many peers or teachers, but so key.
Congratulations, Emily. Much He has for you! And I know you will not be amazed when He calls you to the “next”!
I finished grad school over the winter and graduation is Mother’s Day weekend. Everyone wants to know what my plans are, what my next right thing is, and while I am sorting it out and think I know, I’m not quite ready to share about it yet. It feels like such a demanding question when they ask. One I should know the answer for and be ready to spit out on a moment’s notice. Thank you for this episode and this post. For giving me things to think about and a way to craft a response. Also, congratulations. XOXO
Thank you so much for this reminder! With a year still left in grad school I’ve already found myself receiving this question quite often and find myself trying to justify my decisions instead of simply answering “I’m not sure how I’m going to use this degree”. Two years ago the first light had just been shown on the path of continuing my education and has lead somewhere I could have never imagined.
Emily, I LOVE this! It is calming, reassuring, and something I wish I had heard when I graduated from high school more than 40 years ago(especially the part about reflecting on what I had learned). Thanks so much! I’m loving this advice even today as I contemplate retirement – my next right thing!!
Such words of wisdom, Emily, as grad student, as mother, as child of God. I really appreciate this and will be sharing it with our daughter. She was extremely disappointed not to get a teaching job for which she was highly qualified, and for which we all, her father, she, and I, felt was a given. That’s a mistake. If we expect a specific outcome, though surely we did pray, when we’re disappointed things didn’t turn out as we anticipated, we’ve set ourselves up for heartache. We must hold all dreams loosely, and trust the Giver of them–that He gives good gifts, in His way, and His time. So after the grief pause, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and recommence walking on His plan, trust He will light it one stepping stone at a time, until you reach the destination He has planned and which already awaits. Thank you for your sensitivity in knowing that many will be experiencing graduation angst, and even the graduation blues. But God is the Conductor and our audience, and the very Song of life (I gave a talk on this concept several times :)) . May we sing in a way that pleases Him.
Thank you, dear one!
Love
Lynn
Thank you, Emily, for this grace space.
Your words also fit my retirement/re-engagement transition, which began with one set of expectations, that speedily flung themselves out the window.
I’m focusing on “doing the next right thing in love” while mightily praying for exquisite attention to His guidance.
Congrats on your Master in Spiritual Formation! You are and will be a blessing to those of us seeking a spiritual companion on this journey.
Emily, I should always proof what I write, like here: “recommence walking on His plan.” I’d meant path, not plan, but it brings to mind that when we don’t follow HIS path and veer off onto our own, establishing our own plans, then indeed we are walking all over His for us, and denigrating them and His will!
L.
You speak truth when you said that this affects people of all ages and not just those who are graduating high school or college or graduate school. We each are graduating different stages of our lives, marriage, parenting, divorce, loss of a loved one, health issues, each decision we make with a new vocation or job, when we become empty nesters and when retirement is in the near future. Yes at these times others will also ask you what are you going to do now? What are your plans? Thank you for this gentle reminder “May you know your Father sees you and He knows what you need”. Also reminding me of the song “I Know Who Holds Tomorrow and I know who holds my hand”. Thank you for your faithfulness. ?
Thank you for this. I was listening to this while I waited for my 28 year old daughter to take a certification test so she can change careers. It was God’s perfect timing.
And today I read what I heard and loved it all again! Thank you for the pictures, especially of the football field, to really help my mind remember what I need to remember. That God’s word is a light unto my feet, not my football field.
What a blessing you have been to me these past few years. I know that God put you here just when I needed to hear what God says through you.
Elizabeth
This actually made me cry- in a good way. It’s like someone reached through the screen and just understood where I am right now. My youngest graduates in a few short weeks. Not only will my youngest leave for college in the fall, but my oldest plans to re-start college in the fall after taking some time off to figure out what he really wanted to do. In a way, I feel like I’m graduating too – into a different season of life. I’m excited by the possibilities, even as I look back with a sense of wistfulness and nostalgia. Things will be different when the summer ends, and that’s okay. But it means decisions and plans and new directions for me too. It was so nice to read words from someone who gets it. So, thank you!
Wow, congratulations! Enjoy this important step, and don’t ponder too much why you did it!
Loved the whole article as well as the pictures. Thanks so much!
Congratulation! and love this article. We don’t need to have all the answers when He does. It has really been amazing following your growth here the years, being one of those you have blessed. Thanks for all you do!
Can please post after graduation topic? Most of us are Millennials and we need your help.
Congratulation Thank you, Emily, for this grace space.
Your words also fit my retirement/re-engagement transition, which began with one set of expectations, that speedily flung themselves out the window.
Thank you so much, once again, Emily. Can please post after graduation topic.