emily p. freeman

Creating space for your soul to breathe so you can discern your next right thing.

a question for the desperate

“When we make room for silence we make room for ourselves … Silence invites the unknown, the untamed, the wild, the shy, the unfathomable – that which rarely has a chance to surface within us.”

Gunilla Norris, Sharing Silence

We have slowed. After ten years of marriage and as many in youth ministry, after three kids, three houses, two books, lots of trips and a year-long heartbreak, my family has slowed to near stopping. The kids are still in school, the dinners still are made. But The Man has been gifted some time away from work and I have met the book deadlines and now we slow. And we are slowed. And so we wait.
We have never been the parents to have our kids in lots of activities. We are not the first to volunteer and we don’t typically overcommit with yes. Still, even for us, this slowing has revealed my addiction to activity in a way I didn’t expect. We think of war as something obvious and perhaps valiant, something for the brave and heroic. But maybe the most deadly is the war invisible, the one we live everyday without knowing, the one we forget to fight because it looks like home and it smells like dish soap and it sounds like a rerun of Friends in the background.

An invitation has gone out but only the desperate can hear it. What is it you truly seek? I’m not sure the words expect an answer, rather they invite us to carry our questions with us. Let them percolate and roll around in the chaos of the soul. Don’t fear the loose ends so much. Give yourself permission to actually be where you are, and to be so in the presence of God.
I never realized how much energy I spend in figure it out mode. I am fascinated by people, by what makes us come alive, wilt, break, desire, lash out and love. In some ways it makes me a better artist, this social curiosity. But in all the figuring and connecting of dots, I might be missing the point. Slowing invites the mystery to make His home with us. Quiet cuts a path through the chaos in a way study and figuring and reasoning simply can’t touch. The Man and I pray with silent hope. He looks into my eyes and his gaze lingers. He sees me now and I see him and we are filled with gratitude for both the sweet gifts as well as the suffering. Because all of them lead us deeper into the mystery.

And so it is December, the month of Emmanuel – God With Us. He does not wait to come until we get it right, clean it up, figure it out, or break it down. He is simply with us in love. I have to ask, though I don’t necessarily expect an answer (unless you want to give one): in the most honest place where you are today, what is it you truly seek?

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. I wrote about something similar today. About finding and chasing my dreams – not what those dreams might get me. I used to overcommit. Then I started to undercommit. I’m working on finding that balance and of living my life to the absolute fullest because I want to do the things I love because I love them.

    Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us.

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  2. Oh, how this speaks to me. I live every day in “figure it out mode,” even though I know that I must, at least occasionally, let this go in order to sit in silence and peace. It’s a struggle, and I do think “war” is the right word.

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  3. I so resonate with what you shared. “In some ways it makes me a better artist, this social curiosity. But in all the figuring and connecting of dots, I might be missing the point.” I find myself often caught between watching and learning from life… and living it. Maybe that’s the writer’s dilemma. Your words invite reconsidering that – thank you, friend!

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  4. Him! Especially these latest days, when the decorations are out and not yet up, when the TV and the mail keep rattling on at me about what I need to buy, when I’m feeling overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I just want to see Him in what we’ve come to call Christmas. And I hope that if I choose to, I will, because I know He is here. I’m just feeling like I’ve buried Him in “stuff”. 🙂 Beautiful imagery, Emily!

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  6. in so many ways, this post is perfect for me. the Lord had me clear my plate this year of most responsibilities outside my husband, children & home. it was hard to step out of leadership. it was hard to not be involved. it was hard to say no. i have no idea why i had to clear my plate, but i trust Him totally in it … and can i tell you? i love being a homemaker so much more now. i’m truly content in my slowed life – thanks for the post!

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  8. Thank you for this post, Emily. Your words today remind me I need to make time to review, maybe rewind my life a bit, to examine what / who my priorities are. Days can run together, routine makes us complacent, and it takes something or someone to nudge us out of the rut and help us see that our lives can be better, richer, more fulfilling. Today, in this moment, I think I would say I seek peace of mind. Just plain and simple, uncluttered peace of mind. While I believe that true peace of mind will not come in this earthly life, wouldn’t it be nice to know what that must be like, to know that “all’s right with the world” feeling, if even for a short time. 🙂

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  9. i truly seek peace. and quiet. sounds cliche, i know. but it’s what i desperately want. because every time it comes my way, i get new eyes and new ears and new perspective on what god is doing around me. and it’s all i want.

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  11. a deep breath…a quiet heart…a heart on purpose for God and then filtering down to providing for my family…it’s ultimately what I want, but so, so hard to find. We, like you, do not necessarily sign our kids about for lots of activities, but just the day to day tasks, and running around, and family commitments leave my head spinning sometimes…

    also, with kids at home (preschoolers), I find that finding quiet is becoming more and more of a struggle as they are napping less, and needing more…it’s a season, I know, but I’ve been struggling to find quiet lately…thanks for your words.

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  12. I posted about this a little on Monday, my adopted little one named Grace….. she has so much to teach me. I learned to be quiet during the wait to bring her home. It took almost two years of quiet and grieving, and stripped me of who I thought I was. I will never be the same- I think that was the point. I am so thankful for this Advent, the expectation. The giving our hopes and desires a voice like the prophets in Isiah. The Message has been sitting hard on me all week, they werent afraid to put it out there, wanting a King and savior to come and make things right. I am so glad we are learning these hard things. Keep living the word…….. its all grace.

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  13. Yay! Stoopidphone went to fullview without shutting down! I bet it’s been more peaceful wihout me. 🙂 But what do I seek? PEACE. I don’t want to to be in continuous figure-it-out-mode, at war with everything that must be done so I can get to the wanna-do’s without guilt. That good-girl thing. The War. The Rules. More acceptance of Grace. Peace…. And yet the gotta-do’s gotta be. Will there ever be a day without “gotta’s”? How do I give that to myself when everytime I open the mail, virtual or snail, there’s more? It’s for the better that I get it done. It’s mostly for Mom’s security&Dad’s wishes in his memory. But some to make my life better so maybe I can relax. And it keeps coming. I can’t seem to give myself the one thing I want&need more than anything. Peace. Not even knowing it would improve my health. Go figure. The War continues…with Peace in sight&yet out of reach.

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  15. Oh my goodness…
    I mentioned almost this very thing (but … you know, not in the same poetic way that you did…) in my reflections of Chapter 6 and 7 from YOUR BOOK.

    (An aside, I threatened to email you at the end of the post and either thank you for the book or ugly cry at you.)

    I KNOW that being still before Him is what He wants from me.
    I don’t even have a clue how to do it.

    I am terrified of it.
    What if He doesn’t talk to me? What if I He does and I don’t hear? What if He does and I do hear and it means I have to CHANGE? Again.

    Oh I AM here.
    And I am struggling to find the stillness in the BUSIEST time of year for me.
    *deep breath*

    I will pray for you in your slowing down.

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  16. “He does not wait until we get it right…..” You know, that is probably what I think I am supposed to be seeking:to get it right. So I’m seeking the wrong thing. Because He is already here. That’s nice. That’s very, very nice.

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  17. i spend so much time dreaming about what i want that i only recently realised that i am not actually doing anything to make those dreams come true. so from now, i plan on becoming active, taking action and pursuing my dreams.

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  18. To build a life with my husband. Nearly 3 years of a long distance marriage because of school is wearing me out. I want to share meals, take long walks, encourage his dreams, have children and live very small in order to stay home with them for a while. I have been in figure it out mode so long I think I forgot what I was really seeking.

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  20. I am seeking peace in decisions. I have been over-extending myself for quite some time. My trouble is that I love so many different activities! I want to do it all!

    So I am looking for God’s direction for my energy, and peace in letting go of what I physically can not do.

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  21. I want to hear Him with clarity, to do better by Him even though He accepts me as I am, to be closer to Him, and be fully aware of His presence everywhere I turn, for His help to extend more grace to my family and friends, to not try so hard to do it all just right, to just be the me He wants me to be.

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  23. I seek to find true and utter contentment in HIM. I seek to be free to choose to obey Him, not because of rules but because He first loved me.

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  24. emily; after being a very fulltime momma and LOVING EVERY MINUTE, my baby is now a freshman in college. my husband has had to spend most of november away in training and so i have had lots of time with just me….and the LORD. i have chosen to listen. He hasn’t given me any definite path or answer to what He wants this next step in life for me to include yet; but of course, HIs timeline doesn’t look like mine either 🙂 its kinda cool that i’ve learned to just ‘chill’ while i wait, because i used to be the worlds WORST at this. i know that in my ‘meantime’ i need to work on my servitude..keeping my eyes open on what i can do for others, maybe while no one else but the Lord can see.
    i loved your article today, it was really great, and spoke right to where i am at this very moment. keep up the good work sweetie 🙂

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  25. I really identify with your post. Sometimes being still and silent is the hardest thing to do.. but He is so good to bring us there. Thanks for your words.

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  26. I seek HIM! Not a trite answer, a scream from the bottom of my heart. The past month all I’ve wanted to do was just breathe Him in. So much so, I’d just as soon not decorate nor shop this season but just seek Him, in His word, in the silence. And yet the silence breaks my heart more. More for Him. More for people. More for me. The silence is stirring an awakening to just want HIM.

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  27. After two years of ongoing heartbreak and grief, like huge waves crashing upon our (family) seashores we stand bereft and frazzled digging, searching for a moment of peace and quiet. What do i seek? a moment of absolute silence and stillness to gather my thoughts and to carefully mend the many broken hearts of each family member.

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    • We, too, have had a tumultous time of it the past year and a half. We long for the “boring” life to catch up with our pants…
      I am praying for you specifically today, dear sister. You are not alone. 🙂

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  28. such wonderful reminders as i’ve been doing some wrestling in my mind lately, & seeking to abandon the struggle to Him (rather than figure it all out. more like, rather than figure ME out!). and i, too, was struck by something i read recently re: the importance of silence in a book by dan allender:

    “silence is required for deep change to occur. once we are silent, is is possible for us to look into God’s eyes and discover His response. we anticipate fury, yet what we find is fondness; we expect, at least, cool indifference in light of our disregard and anger, yet what we discover is passionate joy at our return to a relationship with Him.”

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  29. Oh I needed this!
    We’ve been in “figure-it-out” mode… and we’re cranky. The hunk lost his second job two months ago. Even when there is not enough for gas or groceries, we purpose to love in thanks. We still have so much more than many…
    Then two weeks ago the news came – his position has been eliminated. His job terminates at the end of the month. Here’s your severance haveanicelifebye.
    And we scrambled.

    I need slow. Quiet.
    Perhaps we need this time to listen, recharge and change course.

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  30. Emily-I finished your book last week and have just started following your blog. It is always interesting to me how so many people can be at the same place at the same time. I resonate with the women who have endured a year of heartache and loss. But what brings me such comfort as I read everyone’s comments is that until today, I have felt very alone in my loss. Thank you for being honest and inviting us to be honest. I have spent the last two years seeking answers and solutions. Now God is leading me to a place where He is asking me to seek Him and His kingdom. He is faithful and true and I love Him so much.

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  31. Hi Emily,

    The LORD recently placed me down (rather roughly, I must say) in lots of silence. I’ve loved the following words from Psalm 119.

    “The unfolding of your WORD gives light; it gives understanding to the simple.”

    The WORD will unfold and give you light and simple understanding in this time. Bless you and your family as you huddle up for the next quarter:)

    Kim (Everswick) Hall

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  32. OMGosh!! What do I seek? Really? I seek words like these you have written to always “wake me up” and to keep me remembering reality!! Would you PLEASE write a devotional that would include your blog writings!? I mean it – I would so love it, and it would so bless me and others! Please really do think about it! It would be a special sharing of the gift God has put in you!

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  34. I seek peace. I am always trying to figure it out, plan ahead, do it better. I want to just be present in the moment, not thinking ahead but enjoying God’s peace in the now.

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  35. As I read, I could only nod my head. I identify so much with all that you said. It’s funny though. When in the midst of the busyness and deadlines, I’m looking forward to the time of rest. Then, when it arrives, I waiver and stumble around wondering what on earth do I do now? I love the attention and the adrenaline of the fast pace of having a lot of things to do and manage. How revealing this is of my sinful, prideful, lusting heart. Praise God for this season – a season to wait, to ponder, to anticipate the coming of Christ. The question remains – will I sit still and revel in the beauty of this season the way that God intends for me to?

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  36. Thank you for this sweet reminder, Emily. Your words echo what my heart desires. I, too, need to slow down, recharge, and to make room for what I am seeking.

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  41. Sigh. Such wisdom from one so very young. And yes, you are. Today, after a bracing walk by the sea, turning regularly into a stiff fall breeze, I climbed into my car, took off my hat, and with tears filling my eyes said, “All I really want is You. More of You.” And that is truth for me just now. Thanks for the query and the chance to put it down in black and white.

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  42. As soon as i read your question the answer in my heart said “rest”. I too spend a lot of time in figure it out mode. A break sounds good and the times I’ve thought that before I’ve immediately felt it impossible…how can I? But reading this post has made me feel I need to decide that it’s important and do it. My heart is crying for rest and I so I pray I will not fear the loose ends and just give myself permission to be where I’m at…in His presence. perfect! thanks Emily!

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  43. I am in graduate school to obtain my masters in Social Work. I wanted more than my bachelors degree would allow. Some sort of super social work job. Graduation is coming up soon and yet, I find myself content in the job that I have, one which does not require an advanced degree. I work in a memory care and my days are spent making connections with persons with dementia. Five minutes of time can make all the difference in the world for someone with Alzheimer’s disease. The distraught man who believed that his glasses had been stolen, relaxed when I was able to locate them, hidden within a pair of pants under his pillow. My day today was spent massaging the hands of a distraught woman with dementia, sorting blocks with a man who was not capable of a higher level task and feeding a woman who could not feed herself. Connection with others, isn’t that what we all seek?

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  44. I heard Mama Maggie speak at a conference this year. She said, “Silence your body to listen to your words. Silence your body to listen to your thoughts. Silence your thoughts to listen to your heart beating. Silence your heart beating to listen to your spirit. Silence your spirit to listen to His Spirit.” I loved this thought for meditation. Your post today reminded me of that. What an apt topic for this advent season!

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  45. the year God told me to REST and I stepped back from a number of things for a while, was one of the hardest years I have had to cope with in some ways. I know what you mean about being addicted to activity even when you don’t do as much as a lot of families out there.

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  46. “Give yourself permission to actually be where you are, and to be so in the presence of God.”

    I read your blog like letters, written just to me. I know you write to all of us, but my heart feels that open when I come here, and here you ask me to be quiet, invite me into the silence I knowingly avoid, because I feel naked there, stripped bare of expectations to hate, priorities to make myself feel better about myself, purpose that holds me back from despair.

    I want to write you back, to give you all the reasons I don’t want to be quiet, and to tell you all the reasons I do. I’ve cried today because I am not enough, because I can never be enough, because I am trapped in my real life in this body that betrays me and why have I made the choices I’ve made and not the ones I grew up thinking were right?

    This lump in my throat, this sudden prayer for quiet and grace… Thank you for this.

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