this is your courage, fully released

It’s October, 2012. I fly to Colorado, touch down in a land of pointy red rocks taller than skyscrapers, flat land nestled up to the Rockies.

I rent a car that smells like cologne and cigarette smoke. Memories of my father-in-law hit me like a wall. I tear up the minute I get inside. He’s been gone over a year now.colorado springsAs I drive away from the airport toward those massive mountains, I feel a bit desperate for the familiar. Even though my surroundings are beautiful, I have a strange desire to add trees to the landscape in my mind – give me tall pines and green leafy foliage, the comfort of my East Coast home. This feels like a longing for something deeper, but I try to avoid it by listening to Ingrid Michaelson’s Turn to Stone.

Her voice helps a little.

I drive up I-25 to find Panera – eat lunch, a cookie and a bottle of water. If anyone is going to avoid altitude sickness, it’s this girl.

The Garden of the Gods takes my breath away. I haven’t traveled a ton in my life, but I have lived in Michigan, Iowa and Indiana; North Carolina with her rolling hills and South Carolina with her Low Country charm. I’ve visited Canada, Spain, Los Angeles, Maine, and the Philippines.

colorado springs garden of the gods 2But here in Colorado Springs, those red rocks in The Garden of the Gods might be the oddest things I’ve ever seen in real life. I’m certain the people who live here think these mountains are normal. But I have a hunch we might be on Mars. This land is dry, different, and strangely beautiful.

I’m here for a week to take a class, but really I see it as a personal retreat. By now I’ve written and released two books with moderate success and I need some time of quiet listening. I need a deep breath.


I haven’t hit any best-seller lists or won any awards. But the books have sold well enough and I’ve signed a contract to write a third.

My room has two beds, a desk, a chair, a window. No TV, thankfully. I wish I had a TV. Give me the evening news, a reality show, anything to distract me from myself.

I have dinner with Larry and Rachael Crabb. He’s written more books than I can count, has more degrees than I can remember and understands his own inadequacy in a way that shows both deep humility as well as profound masculinity that I can’t explain but puts me at ease.

I share with them about this book I’m working on, how it’s due at the end of the year, how I’m struggling and circling around the word art. I tell them I’m nervous, worried that I’m not cut out for this work. I tell them I can’t get the work off my mind.

They seem to understand.

But Larry knows how to initiate a conversation that matters, so he wants to know about more than just the writing. He asks me what my friends would say about me if they were here. I tell him a few words I think they might say, none that particularly excite me.

Then he asks what I wished they would say.


It comes out before I have a chance to remember not to say it. I don’t even realize I think that. What about kind? Giving? Supportive? Nope. Smart is the word that comes out.

And then I start to cry.

In my great insecurity, I am most concerned about smart people reading my words and thinking them small and uninformed.

“If I had to preach your funeral tomorrow,” he says, “I would say ‘Here lies Emily, a woman with almost fully released courage.”

I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry. On the one hand, Larry Crabb just hypothetically killed me. On the other, he pointed out how I’m living scared. And the worst part is, he’s right.

Just as I’m trying to decide how to respond, Rachael leans over closer to me, “You want to get rid of that ‘almost’ don’t you?”

Yes. Getting rid of the ‘almost’ is the only appropriate response. But how?

The next day, we gather to listen to Dr. Crabb teach about the power of relating with people in the energy of Christ rather than always trying to prescribe them help. He emphasizes four words and I write them down in my notebook.


Engage. Arouse. Envision. Release.

He’s talking about what it looks like to have conversations that matter, to be believers in the world and to be with others in a living, centered, relational way. But all I can think about is art.

I think about my trip years ago to New York City with my college roommate, Faith – how we went to see Wicked and I wanted to weep through the entire performance because it was all so beautiful.

I think about being 17 and listening to Sarah Masen sing and play her guitar in my high school youth group, how she didn’t just sing notes, she sang story. And yes, she was talented, but she was also generous.

I think about the watercolor hanging in our kitchen, painted by small hands, offered as a gift.

The kind of art that moves us, the kind of art that leaves a trail, the kind of art that makes an impression is not the bossy kind.

Art doesn’t diagnose, treat, advise, scold or lecture. Art doesn’t lie, manipulate, assign, or prescribe.

Art engages, arouses, envisions, and releases.

Isn’t that our job, too?

Art, the human kind.

school of spiritual direction dinner

It’s been over a year since my trip to Colorado Springs. That book I struggled so much to communicate is now fully written and perhaps even on your bedside table.

I believe I’ve finally made the connection between making art and living art. I have Dr. Crabb partly to thank for that.

Now it doesn’t seem to matter as much if smart people read my words and think I’m ill-informed. I am finally beginning to live as the artist I am without apology.

You can, too.

As an artist among fellow image-bearers, you are not to ask, Did I do this exactly right? 

Maybe you did and maybe you didn’t. Or maybe you’re asking the wrong question.

Instead, your job is to decide, Was I me? Did I offer my genuine self into the presence of others as myself? Or did I show up as an imposter?

In your profession you may be required to diagnose or advise or lecture or fix.

But as a human living among humans, your job is one of an artist, not a know-it-all or an expert.


Make a mess, be a sloppy first draft, scribble in the margin.

But don’t turn in someone else’s work. We just want you, fully alive as you. We want the person of Jesus relating with us through the filter of your unique personality. And whatever comes out as a result of that?

This is your art. This is your courage, fully released.

This is day 9 of 31 Days of Living Art. Click here to see all the posts in the series.

If you would like to have these posts delivered into your inbox, subscribe here for free and choose the option ‘blog posts.’

If you are interested in joining a book club to read A Million Little Ways (the book I share here in this post), visit Bloom (in)courage for all the details, including the reading schedule and how to apply for a sponsored book if you are unable to purchase one. We’ll officially begin on October 21. I hope you’ll join us.


  1. says

    Oh, you’re speaking the language of my soul here, Emily. I’m finding such peace in leaning into the fact that all of my art will be deeply imperfect (the paintings, all of them, and also the meals and the mothering and all of it), but it will be my whole heart-ed offering, and it will be rooted the wild truth that I’m beloved and you’re beloved and our giving broken gifts courageously was modeled for us in the Eucharist, and there’s deep, deep joy in remembering that. You’ve sparked holy imagination here, this morning. Grateful, always for your words here.

    • says

      Yes! And you can’t know what it means that you used the phrase “holy imagination” – I pray those exact words for those who read, for myself, too. It’s a powerful image. Thank you for your words, Annie. Love seeing you here as always.

  2. says

    This is so lovely Emily, I’m grateful for your courage to share vulnerably. I am taking these words to heart as I step in to the deep end of where God has me. Thank you.

  3. says

    Yes. This.

    I’m a member of a community of Christian Creatives and I’ll be sharing this wth them in the hopes that it will touch their hearts the way it did mine. Thank you for your honesty, Emily!

  4. says

    Gorgeous. Simply gorgeous, Emily.

    I needed your words today, as I inch toward releasing my own art to the world very soon.

    I’ve wanted to be a lot of things in my life — “smart” being one of them — and I have taken the long way around to shed the imposter. (From time to time, she still tries to hijack my life.)

    I’m so eager to read your book. Your words are always a gift. Thank you for sharing your art, even when it feels scary.

  5. Allison says

    Beautiful. Just beautiful.

    Thank you for your offering of en”courage”ment so that we might be more courageous in not only finding but living our art.

    Loving this 31 days series and can’t wait to read your new book.

  6. says

    This is so lovely. and True. “We just want you, fully alive as you.” Reminds me of a quote by St. Irenaeus ‘the glory of God is man fully alive.’ Yes.

  7. says

    what a great story! thank you for sharing! I actually just received your book in the mail this week & it’s 3rd on my reading list… so I’m reading quickly to get to it! can’t wait to be inspired by your courage in it.

    keep on going, girl! you’re making an impact. thank you for being brave for us all.

  8. says

    Emily, I thank God for this blog. I don’t even remember how I got here. But what a blessing! Your blog is beautiful–truly art in sight and word. An inspiration.

    God used you this morning to ease my insecure soul. I believe He has called me to write–beginning with a blog. I am seeking to learn all I can and be faithful to move forward to express in words what He speaks to my heart. Yet…that nagging noise in my head keeps telling me I am not up to the task, that anything I would add to the mix would not be worthy of reading, much less be ART.

    You have reminded me that it isn’t about me…it’s about Jesus. HE is all that matters…and if I glorify Him by being obedient and sharing how He is working in my life and strive to be an encouragement to others, THAT is all that matters. It will be art–the art that the Lord created me to create.

    Thank you for your faithfulness to press on and create!

    Sabra Penley

  9. says

    I’ve probably never read a post that I have identified with more than this one. I’m getting better, but over the last year of blogging I’ve struggled with major insecurities where this is concerned.
    The first several months of blogging, all I could think about was that people might think I’m unintelligent in my style of writing. And I didn’t equate this with just “smart people” I felt everyone regardless of their intellect level might think this.
    God has taught me so much about communicating my gifts for His glory while He continually reassures me of His purpose for my life.
    Thank you so much for being transparent and showing this side of yourself. You have achieved so much that it becomes difficult to begin to think an author with such an amazing gift as yours would feel this way.
    By the way, I’m loving your book!

  10. says

    So, so beautiful, and so resonant with my soul.

    I’m doing the 31 days thing too, noticing things, and experiencing all sorts of emotions as I write – and as people comment and react. I’m wondering, myself, what it is I so deeply want them to think or say about me and what I do…

    I’m so glad to have this glimpse of insight into your journey. Dr. Crabb is incredibly wise.

    This post reached me in myriad ways. Thank you…thank you….thank you…

    Bless you.

  11. says

    “Be a sloppy first draft.” I don’t know why that just made me burst into tears (literally. flying from my eyes. tears.), but it did. I mean, it goes completely against my bent to try so hard, to believe (even though I deny it) that if I try hard enough, I can get it right. I can be perfect. Or, you know, as perfect as a human can be. I can do that, right? (Um, no.)

    [Also, for what it’s worth, I called you smart just last night as I was reading more of your book.]

  12. says

    Oh, Emily, your words are speaking to me this morning. I am far too concerned with asking the “Did I do it exactly right” question. Thank you for your encouragement to walk in courage and just be me, no matter what that looks like.

    I have a notion that A Million Little Ways will be another one of your books that I will mark up with yellow highlighter and turn down page corners. I’m excited to read it.

  13. says

    I still remember the first time I heard Sarah sing. At a church camp. There was a talent competition. My sister sang El-Shaddai or something, then Sarah got up with her guitar and a song she’d written. I was smitten. The poet in me stood up and gave an internal standing O. Two ways I know I’ll like someone — 1. They love Anne or 2. They love Sarah.

    And, yes, to all you wrote about fear here. Your words are always my greatest encouragement to step more into courage and God’s love and further from fear. I am so looking forward to reading your book when I have some space to absorb it.

  14. says

    Beautiful, soul reaching words.
    I relate to that post well.
    Thank you for being brave… and smart.
    I found myself wishing I had been in that car with you, driving through those canyons, to sit and drink in wisdom for that week.

    You encouraged me today and I am grateful.

  15. says

    Sometimes when I read your words, I think “Amen!” Other times, I shout “Yes! YES!!” And sometimes, I just whisper “Mmmm hmmmm” while nodding my head or wiping my eyes. Those whisper-provoking words are the ones that resonate most deeply, I think; the words that burrow down deep into the soil of my heart, where I hope they’ll take root and perhaps force out some of the weeds that have grown unhindered far too long.

    This post was a whisper-provoker. Mmmm hmmmm. Bless you for writing them. Love you, friend.

  16. says

    Thanks so much for that Emily! I feel sometimes like we are soul mates, we think so alike about ourselves. And so far, my blog is as far as I am going right now and I wonder if it is worth the effort. For years I thought I would write books, now I don’t know if I have it in me.


  17. says

    I”m doing Hello Mornings and I’m reading Ephesians 4:1-16 this week. Today we were to focus on promises. Verse 1a says… “I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” All week I’ve been stuck on that verse. I’m at home homeschooling two, waiting for an adoption of our third to go through… waiting on hold. Almost not truly living as I wait for our family to be whole, but realizing that I’m not living a life worthy of my calling if I”m on hold. I love art, paint, beauty, photography, sewing, all that you speak of, and really just a fraction of it as art is also what you say in that it’s how we live. I’m not making art right now, and I want to. I’ve ordered your book, and I’m so thankful to the SImple Mom podcast I listened to almost a year ago and I found you. Thank you for being real, deep, and transparent in your words. They are reaching us.

  18. says

    Oh I so get this… and I love this – the ‘almost’ being there and the desire to see it gone! I am reading Grace for the Good Girl and A Million Little Ways at the same time… I am finding I need them both! So thankful for you! (Counting down to Allume – and praying for At The Barn as well!)

  19. says

    Taking a deep breath and committing to showing up again. How often to I not write, not offer, not love because it doesn’t seem “smart.” A quote by David Buttrick was sent to me today and is baring my true intentions:
    “God passionately loves our true selves–so we have to seek approval of our false selves elsewhere.” Am I seeking approval for my false self when I seek so hard to be seen as a smart-creative-poet-thinker?

    So thankful for your post, your authenticity and the call to live more honest and alive. LOVING THE BOOK!

  20. Jessica Cowan says

    Thank you for your post today. I feel as though I am going through a similar process that you went through–being afraid to risk being my true self and worrying about other people thinking I’m not smart. Your words ring true for me, too, that when I ground myself in Christ living in me then I am all right just as I am. I have a deep desire to be a writer, and I appreciate your words that they don’t have to be perfect and I don’t have to be an expert, I just have to be my authentic self.

  21. Lindsey says

    Your writing ALWAYS inspires me, always makes me want to try harder to live a Christ-centered life. Thank you so much.

  22. says

    What a fantastic back drop to have a writing conference. Your book sounds inspirational along with that beautiful Colorado country.

  23. says

    And a little glimpse of Glen Eyrie does this girl some good. Oh, how I love it there.

    With my book deliver being delayed for over a month, I’m just now going to trust that the Lord has ordained delivery timing perfectly and I need to stop whining inside.

  24. says

    Emily, these are good words and I needed them today.
    Those are the right questions to ask. I’m finding myself constantly before the Throne asking “what do You want me to say?” I’m trying to be faithful. Gosh, I don’t want to, sometimes.
    Thank you for this.

  25. says

    I say “amen” to this, Emily. We’re meant to live out the art that God has designed for us long before we were born. Through my blog I discovered that I can create – words, photos, links, and whatnot. I sit down and look at my laptop screen with eagerness to make something of what’s swimming in my head. There’s a whole lot of ideas and ART inside our minds – writing them down is one way of letting them thrive.

    Your next campaign should be “Grace for the Unapologetic Artist”. I’m blessed by you.

    -Sweet L.

  26. says

    This is how I feel Emily. It caught me out of the blue on Monday when I released a picture book and found myself feeling stupid. I didn’t understand why, but you hit on it when you said, “In my great insecurity, I am most concerned about smart people reading my words and thinking them small and uninformed.”
    Thanks for the reminder that my work isn’t stupid, and to have the courage to put my thoughts, my writing, my art out there.

  27. says

    That is it….I am scared of the smart people, the highly educated, the ones with all the qualifications. They will sneer at my work, mock me, they are qualified. Thank you for helping me uncover this truth. Now what to do with the information?

  28. says

    Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you – a thousand times, thank-you. In a million little ways, thank-you. Your words are such a gift, they are like drops of water on my heart, which feels so dry from the fear and doubt and not-good-enough. Not-anything-enough. But God is making me see, making me believe, I am enough, and He’s using words like yours and beautiful creations like AMLW to do that. Thank-you for speaking your fears, and being vulnerable to digging in deep and bringing out the beauty that He has created in you.

  29. says

    Yes, your idea of a book that is now fully released is most certainly sitting on my bedside table. And something about that is so beautiful and almost moved me to tears. Good job engaging, arousing, envisioning, and releasing! Thank you for encouraging us all to do the same in a way that brings glory to God.

  30. Margaret Carey says

    Oh Emily, what a blessing you are. I sooooo needed that reasurance today. I need that courage and to get rid of “the almost” in my life as well and “smart” really resonates with me too… I have been putting off doing something because I feel others “out there” would just think it ridiculous and dare I say some of those “others” sadly are family…..but I think by God’s grace you have convinced me to have a go….despite my shortcomings, my lack of education and no Bible college background or training…I am armed only with the sweet words God whispers into my heart that are more real to me than any course I could ever undertake…Thanks you fer letting me see I can have courage to make a start….

  31. says

    In light of the day I had yesterday – this is absolutely heaven-sent. I get so caught up in my own insecurities. Thank you for being brave.
    P.S. I think you’re extremely wise, and that’s the kind of smart I deeply admire.

  32. says

    Your words have been reaching a place deep in my heart that has been neglected for so long. They bring truth to the front of my mind, helping me push away the fears of failure and just be myself. Thank you.

  33. says

    I love your brave sharing of your soul in these posts and in your book, A Million Little Ways. I’m savoring the images you present in it. Oh, that I may show up in my life as God’s real, honest, living poem…with wavering voice and knocking knees if need be…rather than as an impostor.

    Deb Weaver

  34. says

    This made me weep. I’ve been feeling exquisitely courageous this week as I’m fully stepping into the arena that God built for me.

    ” Was I me? Did I offer my genuine self into the presence of others as myself?”

  35. says

    Thank you for writing this. I find it so timely- I’ve been writing for the #31days challenge & have struggled with what God was doing with it, in it. I’ve struggled to answer my friends who ask, “how’s it going?” I so resonate with your words about offering my genuine self, not an impostor. and I find comfort there.

  36. says

    I love the part where Rachel leans over and asks if you want to get rid of the word “almost.” I love that you blurt out “smart.” Thank you for offering yourself, your art, unapologetically. I think may be my favorite post that you’ve written.

    PS- Ordered your book. Alas, if is not on my nightstand yet. Anxious and excited to dig into this idea some more!

  37. says

    MY FAVE EVER. And that’s saying a lot, because I love every word you put out here. All of ’em. Thanks so much for sharing this piece of your journey. And hour book arrived while I was away on vacation, and it’s at the top of the must-read list.

  38. Pam says

    I was with my mom when I started reading this and I had to stop and come back to it. As soon as I read “You want to get rid of that ‘almost’ don’t you?” I started to tear up. I am so there. I get discouraged about things and then I pray so I can feel God’s presence and it always seems to calm me. Then the anxiety sets in again and I stare at that room that is supposed to be for crafting and working from home and homeschooling our sons and it is doing none of that because it is too busy housing all the stuff I put in there. Stuff that needs my immediate attention but I don’t have the time and then I find myself crafting at the corner of my kitchen table and only the corner because I have stuff there too. I want to make art, the kind that calms me and especially the kind I can give away as gifts. I’m exhausted. I can’t wait for 11/23.

  39. Hlumisa says

    Oh thank you my dear friend. My soul has been waiting for this.
    Indeed ART is “living as the artist you are without apology”.

    • Hlumisa says

      I have been recently doing this. _ Living as the artist I am, without apology.
      I got exhausted of living a life of regret., containing my self in a small-sized tin that I don’t fit in. Living as the artist you are is FREEDOM. I have been FREE,, Praise God :-) , and now my Emily has just said it and emphasized it as she tells her story sitting on a table with Dr Larry Crabb and wife.
      Containing/limiting herself, as Dr Larry described her as a woman with almost fully released courage; she had to remove the “almost and live as the artist she is without being apologetic”– and that’s Art.

      Thank you Emily for sharing your story of Colorado. God Bless you. I have been longing for this*

  40. Adele says

    I just want to say thankyou…I sit up and read your posts late at night after I put my bubby to bed. That seems to be when you post most of the time because of the timing difference here in Australia. But anyway this i sjust a quiet thankyou for your art in the depth of my nights that give me sweet thougts to ponder as I fall asleep.

  41. says

    Sorry for a late comment here. I can totally relate to this. The place where I get stuck is in feeling that my art isn’t original, isn’t good enough, isn’t polished enough. Feeling like everyone else is saying it better and smoother and why should I bother?

    But maybe I’m focusing on the wrong audience. If I truly live and breathe for an audience of One, then why am I worried about the world’s response? Maybe I just need to focus on expressing my heart to Him, and let Him take care of the rest. Still processing this, but thank you, Emily. How I wish I knew more people in real life that could encourage and speak truth like this post. xoxo

  42. says

    Those words: ‘the power of relating with people in the energy of Christ rather than always trying to prescribe them help.” That is difficult- as a nurse for over 30 years, that’s precisely what I’ve been doing- it was my job to do that very thing. I wonder what those four words will look like in my life… You’ve given me something to ponder. (my daughter lives in Denver- I can relate to your feelings of a foreign landscape at times when I’m there)

  43. says

    I have loved your words this month! I am just starting to dig into your book and it’s captivating me. Thank you for this.

    also, love the pictures of Glen Eyrie…it’s my home away from home, as I was once on staff with The Navigators.

  44. says

    What good words, Emily. Thank you for your guidance. It’s so easy to attempt to imposter someone’s approach, style. I haven’t thought much about what it looks like to be me, mainly because I don’t think there’s much “me” that can be helpful, as compared to all the others out there. Trusting that His differences in “me” are going to be useful someday, and your words are a sweet, tender encouragement.

    Thanking God for who He made YOU to be. You are art, sweet sister.

  45. says

    Would love to hear more about Engage, Arouse, Envision, Release and what that looks like in everyday activity. Thanks for encouraging me to be myself.

  46. says

    For so long as an artist, I’ve strived to be like others. I remember the first time I picked up a paint brush to paint, how awkward it was and how I couldn’t get it right. Well, I tossed the brushes and now paint almost exclusively with my hands. Perhaps you’ll pop over to my blog and have a look at my 31 Days of Art & Inspiration. I am finally embracing the me that God created me to be!

  47. says

    Hello Emily! So I’m a few days behind on reading your posts, but you’re writing – this topic – is touching my heart like no other. Occasionally I will watch a reality talent type show on T.V. and sometimes a performance will move me to tears. My husband finds this odd as I don’t often cry, so he always asks why I’m crying when this happens. I’ve never really understood it myself before, but now I realize it’s because I connected with the art that God created in them – they are living out the art God created them for. I want to find that in my life and live it out. That has been my desire that I haven’t been able to put my finger on. I want to remove the ‘almost’ as well! Thanks for sharing your words to help others to do just that. Can’t wait to start reading your new book!

  48. Laura Brown says

    I am learning to be the artist within me and it is like walking through a door for me and how fitting in this year. I want to dive into your book A Million Little Ways and share myself with others to give and receive blessings!


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