Sometimes I love this life too much. I revel in her gifts, long for what I can’t have, grasp for what I’m losing, think real life and happiness are found in all the gifts rather than the Giver. Other times, I long for heaven so badly I think my heart might cave in. I see this life for what it is – a moment, a breath – and desire weaves her way up and out from deeper places than I even knew existed. And in those times, the earth fog lifts and it’s as if I know fully even as I am fully known. But the clarity doesn’t visit long, and just as I try to document it, the stuff of life and laundry come back down like a curtain, leaving me wondering how the mystery ever felt real at all.
We plow through the day, head down, eyes shut tight, hands busy, heart whirring, ears pounding with running lists and broken hearts and don’t forget the milk at the store. Our prayers are mostly talking and our hearts are mostly longing for something, anything other than this fast-paced life. And my job isn’t even one of those typically stressful ones like brain surgeon or president.
I consider the gifts hiding in secret but wide-open places. And when I do, He slows me and invites me into Himself. These gifts are not me, He says, but they are evidence of the mystery. What can I do but see them, pick them up, turn them over, and unwrap them? The grass is flattened in my front yard because they’re learning to play soccer. The washroom floor is covered in blankets because the whole family stayed with us. The desk is piled high with books and papers because I get to do the job I love.
This life is bursting with the mystery of God. Find the gifts that point to the Giver and be curious in your longing. Do not discount any season you might be in. Do not wave away that deep desire for more. Begin with the gifts at your feet and see where they take you.
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